Nominated for Stargate SG-1/Slash/Best Angst

AWOL
Part 1

By Lady Grey

Jack paced the floor in front of his fireplace, head down, thoughts swirling around a single subject: Daniel Jackson.

For years, Jack had struggled to put distance between them, and succeeded so well, Daniel was almost a stranger by the time Kelowna happened. Since his return to the mortal plane, Jack had been cool toward him, tormented by the dreams and fantasies that plagued him, waking or sleeping. Fantasies that often occurred during masturbation that left Jack feeling dirty and guilty as hell… while at the same time, the most arousing inspiration he’d ever experienced. 

He was pretty sure he wasn’t gay. He’d never been attracted to another man in his life, but this erotic compulsion regarding Daniel was growing more intense by the day. Now Jack wasn’t so sure about his sexual orientation, and he was terrified he was going to slip and say something or look at Daniel in such a way that he would tip the other man off. If that happened, Jack had no idea how open-minded his friend would be, or what he might do.  It was easy to imagine the younger man putting even more distance between them, possibly even requesting a transfer to another team.  Then he wouldn’t have to deal with a lovesick C.O. mooning over him, when he should have been concentrating on missions. 

“God, I’ve got it bad,” he moaned, rubbing at his eyes with the heels of his hands. 

Jack knew he had to do something, because he couldn’t let things continue as they were. Weeks had gone by while he’d examined his options, weighing the pros and cons of a multitude of different ideas.  He was worn out with thinking about it.  

He knew Daniel belonged on SG-1; that was a given. It was the SGC’s flagship team, and Daniel was the best at what he did. Daniel was absolutely irreplaceable in Jack’s estimation, and he knew General Hammond agreed. If Jack stepped aside and let another top-notch officer take the helm of SG-1, the team could go on without Colonel O’Neill. It would be better for everyone if he just stepped down before he made an ass of himself – or even worse – got Daniel killed. 

If anybody ever found out he had a thing for Daniel, he might get a dishonorable discharge and his pension might disappear. So far, it was all just a fantasy. He couldn’t get in trouble for his private thoughts, and as long as they remained private, he’d be okay. That meant taking himself away from constant temptation somehow. 

Getting a transfer off the team and into something else at the SGC or maybe a teaching post at the Academy would be the best thing for him, and for the team. He was getting too old anyway, and Hammond might buy that excuse. Jack would leave it to the general to decide what to do with him; in the meantime, he’d be relieved not to see Daniel every day. 

It was going to hurt the team initially, of course. He would discuss it with each of them individually and make sure there was a future for their separate friendships outside the boundaries of Team. Talking to Daniel would be the hardest thing, because Jack would have to throw up some kind of smoke screen and distract the younger man, or Jack would end up spilling his guts all over the floor. 

Jack didn’t think Daniel was attracted to men, but then no one would ever guess Colonel O’Neill had a thing for his linguist, either. Jack had seen plenty of evidence of Daniel’s sexual preferences through the years, though they had never actually talked about their sex lives – or lack thereof – so Jack couldn’t really be sure. Still, Daniel had a talent for landing hot women without the slightest effort, all the while totally unaware of how very doable he really was.  As far as Jack knew,  he had never given a second glance to any man in that way. 

Doable. 

That word echoed inside Jack’s skull as he stopped pacing. He put his hands over his ears, as if he might shut out the reverberations, but it only got louder, more insistent, with pictures added. 

Daniel smiling. Daniel with a rare, raspy laugh. Daniel in his face, arguing some point, full of passion and articulate as hell.  Daniel stripping off in the locker room to take a shower, unaware of Jack’s eyes,, roaming over every curve and hollow, every ridge of pliable muscle and hard bone of Daniel’s body. 

Daniel was just fucking beautiful, and he didn’t seem to have a clue, but there was far more to Jack’s attraction to him than just the pretty package. The man was so brilliant it was scary sometimes. He might not be great in the soldier department, but he more than made up for any military shortcomings in sheer determination. His loyalty was unquestionable, yet he never let Jack get away with a fucking thing, ever, snarking right back at him and giving as good as he got.  

In fact, those verbal sparring matches were one of the things that made Jack all hot and bothered. Whenever they got into it, Jack wanted nothing more than to tear Daniel’s clothes off and fuck him senseless. Just thinking about it turned him on. 

With a growl, Jack hurried upstairs, turned on the hot water in the shower and shucked off his clothes. He adjusted the temperature to tolerable warmth and got in, squeezing his eyes shut and remembering. His cock was already stiff and aching, and he clasped it with rough fingers, pumping himself savagely, shamed by his desire but unwilling to quench it. 

He imagined Daniel there with him, pushing him up against the tiled wall of the shower, kissing him hard, feeling him struggle and try to push Jack away. They fought naked under the steamy spray until Jack pinned him, thrusting his rock-hard dick into Daniel’s firm, smooth belly. Daniel slowly stopped fighting, his arms closing around Jack’s shoulders while Jack suckled hungrily on his neck. 

Jack’s hands caught at Daniel’s hardening cock.  He drew on it expertly until Daniel cried out and spewed come between their slippery, wet bodies. And then, in Jack’s fantasy, he watched Daniel drop to his knees and take Jack’s dick in his mouth, both of them moaning and whimpering with need until Jack couldn’t hold back, filling his mouth with spurt after spurt of hot come while his fingers gripped Daniel’s wet hair, pulling at it, thrusting into his mouth, savage in his need. 

“Daniel,” Jack whispered roughly. “God, yes…” 

He came, his ass cheeks cramping with the spasms. Slumping back against the wall, Jack panted until he caught his breath. He looked down at himself, at the fading erection lowering its head between his legs.  

Gritting his teeth, he slammed his palms against the wall and cursed out loud. Then he bowed his head beneath the water, the sudden flash of anger gone and shame welling up in its place. He wanted to weep, but as usual, he couldn’t. 

He shut the water off and pulled a towel off the rack, bringing it to his face and burying it there for a moment as he struggled to contain his ever-present desire for his male teammate. 

“Tomorrow,” he promised himself. Tomorrow for sure. Enough was enough.  “I’m done.” 

Teal’c watched the man he’d traded allegiances for, strolling the base’s training grounds with his head down, fear in his eyes. 

“What troubles you, O’Neill?” he asked gently. 

Jack looked over at his old friend as they walked. “I guess it’s time I told you, T.  I’ve made a hard decision. I’m retiring from the field,” Jack announced flatly. “It’s time. Hammond has a place for me in Administration, helping him with paperwork and management.  

“We’ll still see each other a lot. Still do things together. I mean, we’re friends. I don’t wanna lose that.” 

“You have no worries in that regard, O’Neill.  I will always count you as my friend.  But I do not think you are not too old to continue fighting,” Teal’c counseled. “You are still fit and strong, and a skilled warrior. You are needed in the field. What is it that causes the fear I see in your eyes?” 

Jack leveled him with a frank gaze then. Teal’c could be damned intuitive when he wanted.  “I can’t… I made a decision, T. It’s time for me to move on. Change things. I have to do this. For a lot of reasons.” 

Teal’c stopped walking beside his former commander. “Your reasons are personal,” he guessed. Shooting an equally penetrating gaze back at the younger man, he added sagely, “Because your emotions are too deeply tied to us. Is that not so, O’Neill? Do you consider yourself a liability because you care too much?” 

Jack looked up at the horizon, squinting in the bright sunshine. “Something like that... and don’t tell Daniel or Carter, T. I want to do it myself. This should come from me.” 

“You will not fail us,” the Jaffa assured him, placing his hand gently on the man’s shoulder. “This is not a cause for fear. It should be a cause for celebration.” 

“Then we’ll have to celebrate on our own time, T. I’m done.  I’ll talk to you later, okay?” He peeled off and hurried away, heading at a brisk pace back toward the tunnel entrance to the mountain. 

Teal’c shook his head as he watched his retreating back.. O’Neill was overwrought, that much was evident. He was making rash decisions in order to escape his own heart, but that was the one thing from which no one could ever run away. In time, Teal’c hoped he would see the truth and accept the love that was waiting for him so patiently. 

All O’Neill had to do was be available, and as long as he didn’t retire and leave the base or the city, Teal’c felt sure that love would be able to find his friend.  

Minutes later, Jack stood in doorway of Sam’s lab, hands limp at his sides, shoulders slumped, head cocked as he tried to make some sense of his thoughts. His mind was a jumble, at war with his heart, and he had no idea what he was doing.

For a few moments, he watched the woman at the bench, clear shield in place over her face, so deep in some experiment she hadn’t even heard him come into the room. 

“Carter?” His voice sounded strangled and weak. He cleared his throat. 

Threat assess.  Smoke screen.  Create a diversion.  Necessary action.

His mind was on autopilot, choosing tactical options without conscious effort. 

She glanced up at his address, all big blue eyes, startled that he had suddenly appeared in her lab. “Oh, sir! Sorry, I didn’t hear—“ 

His mouth was so dry he couldn’t even swallow. He tried to speak a couple of times, but no sound came out. “Carter.  I’m transferring off the team,” he blurted finally. 

She stepped off her stool, peeled the shield off her face, whipped off her gloves and left the items on the bench top. “What?! Why? Are you all right, sir?” 

His hands fluttered through the air, one clutching the back of his neck for a moment, then scrubbing through his hair, then darting out in search of something else to say. All he could see was the concern in her face as she took a step toward him. He knew how much she cared about him, and how he had patently ignored it all those years. He cared about her, too, just not in a romantic way. 

“Carter, would you like to date me?”  He snapped his mouth shut, eyes wide like a deer caught in headlights.  Oh shit! Where had that come from? He couldn’t very well take it back now.  He didn’t know what to do with his hands, so he shoved them deep into the pockets of his blue fatigues. 

At his unexpected question, she came to a dead stop, her mouth hanging open, eyes mirroring Jack’s own shocked expression. “Uh…” She shifted from one foot to the other, her experiment now totally forgotten. She glanced away, nervously smoothing a hand through her hair.   Her eyes were uncertain as she raised them to his. “Is this a joke, sir?” she finally asked.  “Because if it is, it’s not very funny.” 

The damage was done. He might as well go with the flow. Obviously some part of him thought this was a good idea. “No, Carter. No joke. Date. You and me. Dinner and a movie, if that’s still how it’s done these days.” He frowned. “It is, isn’t it?” 

“Well, I – I guess… if you’re not my C.O. anymore… uh…” She flashed a hesitant smile and straightened her shoulders. “Yes, sir. I think I’d like that very much. What did you have in mind?” 

Jack remembered the few times he’d kissed her, how willing she had seemed, and he knew it would probably be easy to get her into the sack. Unbidden, an image of him fucking her in the dark in his bed rose up in his mind, and his stomach clenched. He didn’t want that. He didn’t want her. 

He wanted Daniel. 

Couldn’t have Daniel. Ever. 

Get over him, O’Neill, he told himself. Do something else. Get your head back into the man/woman line of thinking. Date Carter. Spend time with her. Kiss her again and again until you can’t remember who Daniel is. 

Shut him out, except in passing. 

He felt sick. 

“It’s been a while… uh… Sam. I’m not sure I remember how.” 

She gave him a fond smile. “Would you like me to pick a movie or restaurant? Those are usually good places to start.” 

“Yeah. Sure. Whatever.” He cast his gaze on the floor, wondering if he was going to be able to keep from throwing up. 

“When?” 

His head came up. A chill skittered across his jaws and into his hairline at the nape of his neck.  His hair stood on end. God, he was such a fucking mess. “What?” 

“When would you like to go out?” 

“T-tomorrow. N-night. Tomorrow night. Yeah. Does that sound good?” His mouth was dry and his voice cracked till he almost sounded like he’d been snaked. 

She nodded, smiling at him warmly, almost maternally, he thought.  

Maternally? 

Oh, God, he might as well be dating his mother, for cryin’ out loud… 

“Tomorrow night. Seventeen hundred, you pick me up at my place, and dress sort of… nice casual. Polo shirt and khakis. Something like that. Okay?” 

“Okay. Thanks, Car—Sam.” He had to get the fuck out of there.  “Talktoyoulater!” he called over his shoulder as he beat feet. 

He took two steps down the corridor to get out of her direct line of vision and then brokeinto a dead run as if the devil himself were after him.   

Jack bolted into the nearest restroom and slammed into a stall, panting and heaving over the toilet, saliva filling his mouth and running freely over his lips. His face was contorted with misery as he heaved, the bitter taste of bile in his throat and on the back of his tongue. He knew he’d feel better if he could throw up, but all he could do was gag and retch. 

Finally he managed to swallow a couple of times, still panting, and the wave of nausea passed. He struggled to tamp down the panic and pull himself together.   

He pulled off a strip of toilet paper to wipe his face and mouth, then blew his nose on it and tossed it with a flush. When he was sure he had stopped drooling, he staggered over to a sink and washed his face, rinsing his mouth over and over, swallowing a mouthful of water to get rid of the vile taste in his mouth.   He was shocked by his image in the mirror over the sink.  He looked like a regiment of Jaffa had been chasing him.  

What had he done? What had he fucking done?! He was committed now, couldn’t go back, couldn’t have Daniel, couldn’t… couldn’t have Daniel. 

He decided to go to his office to chill a little and pull himself together before he talked to the last member of his team. 

For that, he was sure he’d need a skin of stainless steel and a heart of solid stone. Then again, Daniel might be all for Jack having an easier schedule and a chance to have a real life. Maybe he’d be happy Sam was the first woman in what might be a long line of women on his dating card.  

He’d let everyone think he was lovin’ and leavin’ ‘em, and no one would suspect where his heart really wanted to go. 

God, he felt like such a heel, such a sorry excuse for a man. So much for honesty. So much for dealing with reality. How had this shit happened? 

Maybe he should just retire and move to Minnesota, and save everyone the trouble of wondering what the hell was going on with Jack O’Neill.  Hell, he didn’t know what was going on with him, why should anyone else? 

He straightened and stepped out of the bathroom, doing a double-take at the sign on the door proclaiming, “WOMEN.” He frowned, glaring at the sign on his way by. That was just fucking perfect. 

He stormed down the corridor, the look on his face making people dodge out of his way in a hurry. 

Daniel slowed down as he neared the door to Jack’s office. He’d heard the rumors, of course. Word traveled fast in a community as tightly knit as the SGC. Teal’c was the first Jack told in person, then Sam. Hours later, the scuttlebutt had hit Daniel’s office but there was still no sign of Jack. Daniel had gotten an email just a few minutes earlier, requesting him to come to Jack’s office ASAP. 

Daniel was hurt that Jack had waited so long. He was also angry that he’d heard the news through the grapevine, rather than when the others had been told. The fact that Jack hadn’t made his announcement to them as a group had to be significant, but Daniel was too afraid to try to second-guess the man. For all that they seemed to be able to tap into each other’s brains at times, mostly they couldn’t begin to guess what the other was thinking. Daniel figured that Jack’s physical condition had to be a factor. With all the injuries they’d suffered over the last eight years, it was a wonder the man was in such reasonably good shape. 

Daniel came to a dead stop in the corridor outside Jack’s office and looked down at his boots. He leaned against the cool wall with one hand, trying to sublimate the sexual attraction that threatened to rear its head yet again. That would be the worst thing ever, if he let it slip that he cared for his commanding officer as way more than just a friend. He felt sure Jack would bolt, and was afraid he’d never want to lay eyes on Daniel again. 

He had to tread carefully in Jack’s presence if he wanted to keep the other man in his life. 

“Just friends,” he reminded himself in a barely audible whisper. He crammed his true feelings down into the shadows in his soul, took a deep breath and sauntered into Jack’s office, a half smile pasted on his lips. “You wanted to see me, Jack?” 

O’Neill sat behind his desk, apparently up to his eyeballs in paperwork. “Yeah.  Have a seat,” he said crisply, not looking up from the document he was signing. That done, he closed the folder, slipped it into the courier envelope and tied it closed before dropping it in the routing tray on the corner of his desk. Finally, he looked up at his visitor, his expression unreadable, eyes flat. 

This felt official. Impersonal. Cold. Jack had seemed that way toward him a lot since Daniel had descended, but this felt different. Final, somehow; a door being closed and locked. 

“Daniel.” 

“Jack.” 

He cleared his throat and dropped his gaze to his desk. “I suppose you’ve heard already.” 

“That you’re stepping down from SG-1? Yes.” Daniel waited. His heart thudded in squishy beats in his ears. His mouth dried up. “What I’d like to know is… why the hell didn’t you tell me yourself?” 

“I wanted this to be more personal than it’s been,” Jack announced softly, not looking up from his desk. “I’m sorry you had to hear about it through the grapevine.  I just didn’t want to tell all of you in a group. It didn’t seem… appropriate.” 

Daniel wriggled in his seat. So this was something more personal than it seemed. He tried to stay calm, but his Jack radar was going on overload. This was important, something he felt rather than saw, because Jack wasn’t giving anything away. Nada. Zip. Zilch. Face made of stone. 

“You know that the military frowns on.  Um.  Certain relationships,” said Jack cautiously. 

Daniel’s heart flip-flopped. He sat very still, not even breathing for a moment. “Yes.” 

“You also know that Carter and T and you are very important to me. Like family.” Jack sighed and glanced at the next folder on top of the stack to his left.  He absent-mindedly drew it down in front of him. 

“Yes.”  Daniel leaned forward in his chair, elbows on knees, hands clasped together. He fleetingly thought about praying. “It’s okay, Jack. Just say it. You can tell me anything. Best friends, right?”  He willed Jack to come out with the truth, whatever that truth was. 

Jack’s eyes moved all over his desk, never lifting his gaze to regard the face of the man looking at him so intently. “It’s not that easy, Daniel,” said Jack hesitantly. “I don’t want anybody to get hurt here. I don’t want anyone thinking I’ve played favorites, because I really don’t think I ever have.” 

“You’ve been pretty even handed with all of us,” Daniel agreed, though he knew that Jack let him get away with damn near anything short of letting himself get hurt. He swallowed hard. Did that mean anything? Was that what Jack was trying to tell him? That Daniel was special to him? 

Oh, God, please, yes! Daniel thought. 

“I can’t—“ Jack stopped, cleared his throat nervously, and started to speak again. “Because of my position as team leader, I can’t have a relationship with anyone on my team. It’s time I stepped aside anyway, but I’ve been alone for years, ever since I drove Sara away.  I don’t want to be alone anymore. I need to do something about that, before the chance slips away.” 

Daniel felt his throat constricting. He was trying not to get excited, but he felt sure that Jack was talking about him. About them. He squirmed in his seat. “You’re loved, Jack. I’m glad you’re finally taking notice.” 

Releasing a big sigh, Jack finally raised his eyes to meet Daniel’s. There was no joy at hearing that remark.  

Suddenly, shockingly, Daniel saw with crystal clarity that Jack was afraid. He was grieving. 

Daniel couldn’t bear to hear what he feared Jack would say next. He sat back in his chair and swallowed hard.  He wanted to shove his fingers in his ears and hum loudly, like a child who refuses to hear anything anymore. 

“I’m glad you understand, Daniel,” said Jack thickly, “because Carter… Samantha’s not gonna wait for me forever.” 

Oh, God.  His heart stopped beating, freezing in Daniel’s chest. His throat closed up. He couldn’t speak. Understand?  Jack thought he understood?   Sam?  Sam and Jack?  Oh, God, no. Not that. Oh, God… 

“We’ve been dancing around each other for years, and it’s time I admitted there’s an attraction and did something about it.” Jack’s gaze dropped down to his papers. 

It occurred to Daniel that Jack was expecting some kind of positive response here. He struggled through the agony slicing his soul to ribbons and straightened in his chair. He flexed a polite smile, aware that it was quavering but unable to make his lips totally comply with his mental instructions. The lump in his throat vanished beneath a wave of despair that washed through him leaving him hollow inside. 

“I’m happy for you,” he heard himself say blandly. “For both of you.”  

Moving on automatic pilot, he pushed himself out of the chair and stood up. He had to get out of there.  

Jack didn’t look at him, didn’t see Daniel dying right in front of him. “You’re sure you’re okay with this, Daniel?” 

Daniel let a bitter chuckle slip out and shook his head at himself. He had known all along, had seen the signs and ignored them for years. The looks passing between Sam and Jack, the way they smiled at each other when they thought no one else was looking.  They were in love, and it wouldn’t be long now before she’d be in Jack’s bed, if she hadn’t already been there. 

“Sure, Jack,” he lied. “I wish you both the best. I hope you’ll both be very happy together.”  

Jack’s gaze shot up to his for a second before Daniel turned away. There was a flicker of What the fuck? in those brown eyes, but Jack didn’t call him on it. Daniel stuffed his hands into his pockets and wandered out of the office, turning left by instinct, not paying the slightest attention to where he was going.  

A few minutes later, it startled him to see the door to his quarters loom up in front of him. It seemed tilted somehow, the proportions off. The whole world looked a little off-kilter, in fact.  

Daniel withdrew his pass card from his pants pocket, slid it through the reader, and pushed into his room. The door closed behind him and he locked it.  He went to sit down on the side of his bed. 

He bowed his head, tossing his glasses aside on the bedspread, and buried his face in his hands. The pain in his heart was intensely physical, as real as if someone was slicing into him with a scalpel, doing surgery without benefit of anesthesia.  

Daniel struggled to breathe, gasping as hot tears poured down his cheeks. His body shook as he struggled to get control of himself, trying to gather his fragmented wits.  In spite of himself, the anguish exploded within him.  He turned himself face down onto the covers, letting the bed absorb his agonized cries, body shuddering and bucking with ragged sobs that no one else would ever hear. 

He cried Jack’s name over and over into his pillow, the only word he could utter. It hadn’t mattered that he knew he’d never be able to touch Jack like he wanted, as long as he had known Jack would be there, by his side, in his life every day. He could bear anything as long as he could be near the man he loved so deeply, so desperately. Not even being able to see Jack every day?  Well, that was more than he could stand.  Jack was his life, and now his life was over. 

Anger surged up, hot and throbbing, demanding his attention. He was furious with himself, with the military establishment and their stupid rules, with Jack, and with life in general. On top of all that, he felt like the worst kind of naïve fool.   

Ruthlessly, as agonized minutes passed, he gathered his pain, disappointment, and self-pity and shoved them violently away, down into some deep, dark corner of his soul. He was sure he couldn’t feel such pain and continue to live, so he buried it as deeply as he could, in a place where he wouldn’t be tormented by it so readily.  

Finally he lay stunned in the pulsating silence. The emotional storm died quickly, burned out like a white-hot brand shoved into icy water. Cold, hard reality checks had a way of doing that to a person. For a moment or two, he just lay face up on the bed, blinking, his mind a total blank, face slack. 

“Gone,” he whispered, his hopes, dreams and fantasies revolving around the man he loved fading into dust. “All gone. Forever.” 

He sat up, and mercifully, everything had gone numb. There was no longer any pain, no joy, no sadness, nothing. Daniel rose mechanically, taking his glasses with him, and went into his tiny bathroom.  He washed his face and his glasses, which he replaced on his face, and brushed his teeth. 

Leaving his quarters to return to his office, he sat down at his desk and started to work. Hours later, he glanced at the clock, surprised to find it was the wee hours of morning. Daniel shrugged and kept working. 

Every hour passed at his desk was one more during which he didn’t have to be aware of the depth of his loneliness, or the knowledge that it would never end. This was his destiny, being alone. He might as well start to learn to be comfortable with it.  

Jack tried to remember what he was supposed to do on a date as he arrived home after his first day in Administration, but none of that seemed to fit with Carter. There should be lots of small talk, he supposed. Not about work, because they would be in public. What did Carter like besides science and math? If he ever knew, he couldn’t remember. 

Plants, he thought. She once said she talked to her plants. That was an odd enough comment that he remembered it. Still, he was pretty sure guys didn’t buy girls potted plants when they went on dates. Flowers, maybe. But that just seemed… wrong. Too romantic. Too feminine for a strong, independent and wholly feminist woman like Carter. He’d go empty-handed. 

He pulled on the first thing that came out of the closet. Navy Polo shirt, tan khakis, docksiders. He dressed without caring what he looked like, threw on a leather jacket over the top and drove to Carter’s house in his truck, listening to NPR on the way over. His favorite opera was on, and when he parked in her driveway, he let the engine idle and kept listening, letting the music take him away. 

Finally, it occurred to him that he was just delaying the inevitable, and he shut off the truck and got out.

Carter had apparently heard him drive up and came out to meet him as he approached her porch. “Everything okay?” she asked, concern in her eyes. “Stage fright?” 

“Something like that,” he answered vaguely. “You ready?” 

“Yeah. Just let me get my purse.” 

Carter with a purse. That thought blew Jack’s mind. She really was a woman somewhere underneath the soldier and scientist. She owned a purse, for cryin’ out loud. 

He stayed on the sidewalk and watched her walk away. She was wearing a long, ankle length white skirt with something frilly around the hem and sandals on her feet. Her blouse was pink and girly, and when she came back toward him with a small bag over her shoulder, he noticed the blouse had a low cut neck, showing off her cleavage. 

Her choice of shirt practically screamed, “Look at my tits!” and he thought that was a pretty low and sneaky thing for a girl to do to a guy on a first date. What was worse was that he had fallen for it, and he wasn’t even interested. 

Jack forced a smile and dragged his eyes up from her boobs. She had seen him looking, and was pleased. She had wanted him to look. What did that mean? Did she expect him to touch, too? Was she planning on hopping into the sack when he dropped her off that night? Because that was so not happening. He didn’t want to get naked with Carter. 

“So where would you like us to go?” he asked politely. 

“Early movie, late dinner,” she told him with a smile. “I thought that would give you a chance to get comfortable being with me in an off-duty situation before we started the small talk.” 

“Good thinking,” he agreed. He’d be spared any conversation for a couple of hours. That was a relief. Putting dinner last meant they could eat and go home, where he could beg off with being tired as a good excuse to keep from going any further. 

She stopped on the sidewalk as she neared him, tiptoed up and gave him a quick, gentle little peck on the lips. 

He wiped them instantly, and was mortified that she saw him do it. He needed a quick recovery. He tried to give her his best goofy grin.  “Hey, am I still wearing pink lipstick?” he asked in what he hoped was light banter mode. 

She stepped back up to him and grazed her thumb across his lower lip, removing all trace of her lip gloss. She looked a little shell-shocked, uncertain. “Sorry. I guess we should save that for later, huh?”  

His stomach cramped. His jaws clenched shut, and he followed her down the sidewalk to the driveway, circling around to the driver’s door. Through the glass, he saw that she was opening the door and climbing in, and he could hear the ghost of his mother’s teenage admonitions echoing in his memory. 

“Uh, I should’ve opened your door for you, right?” he asked as they settled into their seats and he put on his seatbelt.  “Do guys still do that these days?” 

“They do, but it’s not necessary,” she responded with a twinkle in her eyes. “You know I’m fully capable of opening my own doors, and it’s okay to let me if you’re not comfortable with it.” Her eyes twinkled. “But it would be a nice touch. Gentlemanly.”  She reached to put on her seatbelt. 

He started up the truck and looked at her, his insides growing cold. “I’m sorry, Carter. I just… For seven years, I’ve done my damnedest not to see you as a woman and give you any special treatment, and it’s a hard habit to break. I’ll work on it.” 

She ignored that. “You could start by calling me Sam. We need to break out of the roles we’re used to filling, Jack, if we’re really going to do this.” 

He sighed and started to back the truck out into the street. “I’m tryin’. Old dogs and new tricks, you know?” 

Sam told him which theater they would be attending, and turned down the radio so they could talk on the way. 

That irritated him instantly, but he didn’t turn it back up. “So, what kind of music do you like?” He kept his eyes on the road and the traffic, avoiding looking at her when possible. 

“I love classical, but opera’s really not my thing. Would you mind if I turned it off?” She gestured to the radio. 

“Sure.” He reached to poke at the knob on the radio, leaving the truck filled with a sudden silence.  He pretended to check the traffic in the left lane so he could glower in private for an instant. 

“My favorite, though, is early rock ‘n’ roll. Fifties and sixties stuff. There was something so innocent about that era, and it shows in the music.” 

“God, that stuff makes me gag!” he blurted without thinking.  

Oh, crap. He glanced at her, and saw that she was just the slightest bit crestfallen. “I grew up in that era, you know,” he told her. “ I heard all that when it was fresh and new.  And believe me, we were anything but innocent.” 

They lapsed into small talk about music, and when they arrived at the theater and parked, Jack thought he should probably hold her hand or something while they were waiting in line to get tickets. “What are we seeing, anyway?” he asked, doing the obligatory clutch. 

“The Matrix sequel. The trailers look incredible.” 

“That’s sci-fi, isn’t it?” Jack was sure Carter should know how he felt about science fiction. This was so not going well. For him, at least. 

She looked a little startled. “I thought you saw the first one with Teal’c?” 

“No, that must have been that other Colonel O’Neil, the one with one ‘L’.” He specifically did not tell her again that he didn’t care for science fiction movies. He’d sit through anything as long as he didn’t have to do anything with Carter, like chitchat. “It was popular, right?” 

Her cheeks were turning pink, and she was starting to get that deer-in-the-headlights look in her eyes again. “Yeah, the summer’s biggest movie last year,” she told him. “This one promises to blow that one out of the water, but if you haven’t seen the first one, this one won’t make much sense. Would you like to see something else?”  

She glanced away quickly at the marquee. 

“No, no, that’s all right. If I don’t get it, you can explain it to me at dinner afterward,” he assured her placidly.  

As long as Carter did most of the talking, and all he had to do was ask a question here and there, he thought he could make it through this date without crashing and burning. This whole idea had been a colossal mistake and in the future, he thought he should probably fumble along with someone else who didn’t know him so well. 

Then again, strangers wouldn’t be as forgiving of his faux pas as someone who knew him as well as Carter. He sighed and paid for the tickets as they got to the cashier’s window. If he were going to have a chance of dragging his heart back to any woman, it would be her. 

All he could think about was Daniel as they juggled the popcorn and drinks he’d bought and they took their seats in the theater. Daniel would be at the base, working his butt off on some translation or other. He needed to get out more, have some fun, get a life. Maybe Jack should ask him if he wanted to— 

As the lights went down and the previews started to roll, Jack imagined sitting in this same theater with Daniel.  

He’d be leaning over in the dark, whispering something in Jack’s ear. Jack would reach over without looking for the popcorn, his hand inadvertently landing on Daniel’s thigh. He would look over at his friend for a reaction, and Daniel would smile, giving him that look through his eyelashes that always made Jack’s breath catch. Then Daniel’s hand would reach over and smooth along Jack’s thigh as he smiled… 

Jack’s heart filled his throat. He couldn’t breathe for a moment. Didn’t have any spit to swallow it back down. He lifted his Coke and took a sip through the straw, nearly choking himself to get it down again. He did not want to be there, or anywhere else, with Carter. 

He wanted Daniel, who seemed to always understand what he was thinking or feeling, without a word passing between them.  Daniel, whom he loved beyond all reason.  Beautiful, unique, precious Daniel.  Jack;s mouth was dry with emotion and need.  He gave himself a mental shake. 

Concentrate on Carter, he told himself. You’re here with her. Daniel’s just your friend. That’s all he’ll ever be. Get the hell over it, starting right now. 

He turned his head and looked for the popcorn bag she held, making sure of his aim before he reached for the puffed kernels. His heart awash with grief, he munched silently on the popcorn and swallowed it down with Coke, mourning in silence while the movie played. When it was over, he barely remembered what he’d seen on the screen. 

“Well, what did you think?” Carter asked him as they rose and shuffled their way out of the theater with the crowd. 

“I think I need to pee,” he shot back, neatly changing the subject. “That was a damn long movie, Car—Sam.” 

She chuckled. “I’ll meet you in the lobby, Jack. I gotta go, too.” 

He gave her a little smile and headed for the restroom, looking ahead to the rest of the evening… and the future of their relationship, whatever that future was.  

There was no way he could ever sleep with her, so what kind of “future” could they possibly have? If he tried, he was sure there would be some embarrassment in the works. Either he’d be unable to get it up and be completely mortified, or he’d be thinking about Daniel and scared to death he’d call out the wrong name in the middle of things. He couldn’t do that with her, not until he was sure he’d gotten his head screwed on straight and found a way to wipe Daniel out of his heart.  The way he felt right then, that would be taking a while. 

The urinals were all in use, so he stepped into the first available stall in the men’s room, unzipped and took aim. 

The sounds coming from the next stall were unmistakable and pulled his head around. If he hadn’t been so attuned, he might not have heard anything at all because there were a lot of background noises: guys in other stalls and at the urinals doing their business; guys washing their hands and talking to their buds who had come into the restroom with them, noisy hand dryers roaring full blast, stall doors banging closed, latches being slid into place, all overlaid with impossibly loud elevator music.  He had to really listen to hear it, but zeroing in on the sounds, he was sure there were a couple of guys in the next stall having sex. 

Soft, soft panting. Wet sounds of kissing and bodily suction. Gently smothered grunts and whimpers.  

Jack stood there with his dick in his hand, listening. He felt himself growing hard and instinctively stroked himself. He closed his eyes, imagining himself and Daniel, afraid of getting caught, but so gone on each other they couldn’t wait to get home.  

“Love you,” he heard one of them whisper, and then a stifled, breathy moan, rhythmic and fading into soft pants. “So beautiful, babe. So mine.” 

“Love you, baby,” said the other. “Gonna suck you off now.” 

Jack listened, leaning his shoulder hard into the wall separating him from the men in the next stall.  He pulled on himself, visualizing Daniel and him together, feeling the love and uncoiling desire rising up inside him until he suddenly came with a gasp. He barely got his left hand up in time to catch the spew, thick wads of come dribbling onto his right fist and clinging to his left palm.  

He stood there, knees locked, eyes closed, listening to the lovers, and wishing.  He was lost.  What the fuck was he gonna do? 

Blinking back tears, he reached for the toilet paper and cleaned himself, tossing everything into the water before he flushed. Hands shaking as he zipped up, he took a moment to collect himself before stepping out to wash his hands. He was thorough about it, desperate to make sure there was no scent of semen left on him when he went out to Carter. 

One by one, he noticed the two men come out of the stall. One was tall and dark, about his age, and the other was younger and fair, with big green eyes and a full beard. The older guy dressed like he had money.  He wore expensively tailored clothes, and Italian leather shoes, while the younger seemed to be more into radical modern fashion. Love and joy sparkled in their eyes as they smiled at each other and chatted about the movie they’d just seen. 

Another odd couple, Jack mused to himself. Opposites attract.  

He sighed. 

Except in my case, I’m the only one in love. 

He finished and walked behind the men at the sinks to get to the hand dryer. Stealing a final glance at the lovers, he saw them exchange a look that bespoke far more than just a quick fuck in the men’s room.  His heart ached as he turned away, hands stuffed into his trouser pockets, head down in thought. 

Carter was waiting for him. “What took you so long?” 

I was jerking off and thinking about making love to Daniel. 

“There was a lot of action in the men’s room,” he answered flatly. “Had to wait my turn. Anyplace in particular you’d like to eat?” 

“How about Don Carlo’s? I know you like Mexican.” 

“Sounds good.” He kept his hands in his pockets as they walked back to his truck. 

“Jack, are you all right? You seem awfully distant.” 

Busted. 

“Just got a lot on my mind, uh, Sam. Working administration is a far cry from what I was doing. It feels like a big step down, even though I know it’s not. Keeping our part of the base in order is important, but I’m just tired, I guess. Been stressed about getting into the groove of things at the new assignment.” He sighed and hoped his feelings didn’t show on his face.  

This time he remembered to open her door for her first but didn’t help her inside. As he settled behind the steering wheel, he was aware that she was studying him. “What?” 

“This is what you wanted, isn’t it?” she asked with concern in her face. “I mean, I know you’re still in pretty good shape, but you needed to be doing something less physical, for your knees, right?” 

For a moment he thought she’d been talking about the dating thing, and he’d almost laughed out loud. “Yeah, I needed to step down before I got somebody killed. I can do administration, take some of the load off Hammond, even if I don’t like it much. This’ll work for me, way better than first contact.” 

“Good. I know Hammond is damned glad to have you there.  And you’ll get used to the new post eventually.” She smiled at him again. 

He smiled back politely. She was smiling at him an awful lot. He switched on the ignition but didn’t change gears right away to back out of the parking space. “Look, Sam… This isn’t easy for me. Don’t… Please don’t expect much from me in the beginning. I’ll… I’ll need to take it slow. Really slow.” 

She smiled again. Her eyes were kind and warm. “Okay, Jack. Let’s go eat. I’m starved.” 

He made it through the dinner with a sense of relief, chatting in code about work-related things. She led him into a more personal area by asking questions about his background, his family, his personal interests, and he reciprocated, learning a thing or two about Samantha Carter.  

He appreciated her generosity and patience in showing him the ropes. He really had been out of the dating scene for far too long, and except for the occasional brush with a few alien women, Jack had had virtually no sexual release in almost a decade, other than with his own right hand.  

Now, since Daniel had returned from the dead, Jack felt like he had gotten his wires crossed. If anyone could help him straighten things out – no pun intended – it would be Sam Carter. She was not only his teammate, she was also his friend, and he trusted and cared for her. She was a beautiful, smart woman who deserved the best he could give her. 

Which unfortunately wasn’t much, at that moment. 

Jack left the truck’s engine idling as he walked her to her door, vaguely remembering doing the same thing with Sara when they’d been giddy, horny teenagers, desperately in love with each other. That all seemed like a dream now, barely a thread of reality running through that whole relationship. Part of him still loved Sara and always would, but it was long past time to move on and put her behind him at last. 

“I had a nice time,” said Carter congenially. 

“Me, too,” Jack agreed. It had been nice. If he hadn’t been so gone on Daniel, he might even have had fun. 

“We should probably try this again soon,” she suggested. “The more we go out together, the more relaxed we’ll learn to be with each other. Would that be okay?” 

He couldn’t get his hands out of his trouser pockets or make his voice work. He just nodded his acquiescence.  It wouldn’t be right to tell her he wasn’t sure if dating was a good idea, because he knew he hadn’t given it enough time. 

His heart was dead sure, though. 

Carter reached up and kissed him on the mouth, lightly at first. Then she reached around the back of his neck and brought him down to her, really kissing him, tongue and all, and he let her. He wanted to respond, to put his arms around her and do more than just stand there like a post, and part of him did.  Part of him did respond, simply because he was a man who had been through a long, dry spell and the potential for any sexual encounter made his dick sit up and take notice.   But instead of Carter’s kisses, Jack’s mind automatically went to his fantasies of Daniel. 

He kept his hands in his pockets. 

Sam pulled away at last, not meeting his eyes. She looked a little embarrassed and slowly pulled her arms from around his neck. He straightened, painfully aware that she had noticed he hadn’t really kissed her back.  

She looked up at him with uncertainty in her eyes.  

“I just need some time,” he promised in a low voice, as much to himself as to her. “Okay? Take it slow with me. I’m kind of a mess right now.” 

“Of course,” she answered, reassurance in her expression. She hurried through a goodnight and went into her house. 

Jack walked back to his truck, his lips warm and slightly swollen. Not only had there been no fireworks, there had barely even been an ember. He climbed up into the truck and started it up, waiting for a car to pass by before he pulled out.  

“Yeah, you need time, O’Neill, you big shit,” he mumbled to himself.  “About a hundred years oughtta do it.” 

He backed into the street and headed for home, the last of the opera filling up the cab with its tragic melody. 

All he could think about was Daniel, wondering what it would be like to kiss a big, hard, stubbly horny guy. 

He thought Daniel would be great with his mouth.  Predictably, now Jack had a response.  And it was, again predictably, a lot more than just an ember. 

Teal’c had followed DanielJackson from O’Neill’s office immediately after the colonel made his personal announcement about leaving the team. DanielJackson hadn’t taken notice that there was now a Jaffa on his tail.  

Over the course of the next three days, Teal’c watched over the scholar, checking on his whereabouts every few hours.  Daniel didn’t eat. He didn’t go for coffee. He slept at his desk, but not in his bed. The emptiness in his eyes was disturbing, but Teal’c could not discuss that with anyone. 

He listened patiently to MajorCarter tell him excitedly about her dates with O’Neill.  She seemed happy, contented with the change in their relationship. Every day they did something together after work – drinks or running small errands together – and she was only too happy to chat with Teal’c about what they did or funny things O’Neill said to her. 

She didn’t seem to notice that DanielJackson seemed to be chained to his desk, avoiding all chance of casual interaction with any of them. 

On the morning of the fourth day, a pre-mission briefing was held, which also served to introduce ColonelEdwards as their new commanding officer. DanielJackson was quiet until called upon for his portion of the briefing, which he presented smoothly, with perfect professionalism.  

Late in the afternoon, when they were suited up and standing in the embarkation room, O’Neill came to see them off, shifting nervously from foot to foot, glancing between MajorCarter and DanielJackson, who spared him only a brief glance and then began checking the pockets of his vest. 

The two men shook hands briefly, but DanielJackson could not get through the wormhole quickly enough. Teal’c was hard pressed to keep up with him as they walked toward the distant village, and ColonelEdwards had to call him back several times to keep the scholar from outdistancing the rest of the team.  

MajorCarter seemed startled by DanielJackson’s apparent enthusiasm to meet these aliens. She also seemed to be missing the truth behind his behavior, but it was not Teal’c’s place to illuminate her.  

The mission went well, without violence, and in two days they returned to the SGC base unscathed. O’Neill was there to meet them, relief in their return apparent in his eyes as soon as he saw DanielJackson alive and well. 

As always, he kept up his professional reserve, giving MajorCarter only a polite nod and a faint smile to acknowledge his personal relationship with her.  After his initial assessing glance at the linguist, he didn’t look at the man again. Teal’c saw that Daniel missed that first look, his eyes connecting only after O’Neill had turned away to look at MajorCarter. 

Teal’c knew about the Tau’ri military regulations, of course. He knew O’Neill had chosen to deny his feelings for DanielJackson and sought instead to take what comfort he could get from MajorCarter, but he did not understand this behavior. It was not his place to speak to any of them, because his opinion would change nothing. 

All he could do was offer his silent support to all of his friends, and hope that whatever gods were watching could help them all to face the truth they each tried so desperately not to see. 

For three weeks Jack and Sam had seen each other almost every night she wasn’t off world. They’d gone out to dinner, to movies or hockey games. She had cooked for him a couple of times at her house and he had reciprocated at his. Afterward, there had been some cuddling and kissing, but he always put the brakes on rather than let things go further between them.  

While he had been interested enough and kissed her back now – not like that first time at her door, when Jack had seemed to be made of wood – he’d been careful to keep his hands to himself, and it had been more than obvious that he wasn’t tempted to go any farther with her. While their dates had always ended with her aroused, frustrated and unfulfilled, she was pretty sure he hadn’t been having the same problem. Whatever had been going on with Jack, she just wasn’t lighting his fire. 

Sam Carter had been around the block enough times that she knew when a guy wasn’t turned on, no matter how good a show he put on for her. Whatever Jack’s reason for asking her out in the first place had been, lust certainly wasn’t it. The sexual fantasies she’d had about the man were not about to materialize. 

At first, she had put his behavior down to nervousness, then to respect for her, but over time she had come to see the real reason he wasn’t letting the relationship between them advance toward intimacy.  

That night was no different.  Jack was present with her physically, but as always, his mind and heart were somewhere else.  Sam stared at Jack, watching him eat his steak, oblivious to her scrutiny. 

“…so I thought about dyeing my hair pink, because, you know, that’s the fashion these days,” Sam said casually as she scooped up the last forkful of her baked potato, “and then I decided I’d have one of those sex change operations. Thought I’d try out being a man for a while.  You know, do the whole macho thing.” 

Jack continued to stare at the steak on his plate, mindlessly chewing, his expression patently blank. “That’s good, Sam,” he replied with a pleasant note in his voice. 

He wasn’t interested in her, and the statement she’d just made, wildly fictional and geared specifically to get a reaction from him, had proved that indelibly.  

“You’re not listening to me, are you, Jack?” she asked quietly. 

The change in her tone of voice registered, and he finally made eye contact. “Of course, I was,” he insisted gently. 

“Then what did I just say?” 

His mouth opened and closed reflexively while he shifted in his seat. Then he turned his gaze back to his plate and stabbed another piece of meat.  

“Okay, I’m busted. My mind was wandering, and it’s too little to be left out alone. Sorry, Car—Sam. It won’t happen again.” His voice was soft, mournful. Guilty. 

She reached out and put her hand over his, dragging his attention back to her face. She sighed. Part of her felt sad that this relationship wasn’t working out, but another part of her was relieved. They really were too different to have made a serious go of it, but he was so charming when he wanted to be and so attractive, she’d never quite given up the fantasy of having him. 

Until now. A great weight seemed to lift off her, and she smiled at him. “Look, Jack, I don’t think this is working between us. I think we’re just meant to be friends. We do that pretty well, don’t you think?” 

Alarm filled his eyes. “Don’t give up on me so soon,” he pleaded. “I can do better. I’ll pay attention—“ 

“It’s not that, Jack,” she returned gently. “Your heart’s not in this. It hasn’t been since the day you transferred off the team. I think we were both fooling ourselves that this could work, but you knew it wouldn’t. That’s why you don’t want to sleep with me. Isn’t it?” 

His fingers tangled nervously around her hand and squeezed, holding on to what wasn’t really there.  He had trouble meeting her eyes.  “No, I can—We’ll do it, Sam. I was just taking plenty of time, being sure—“ 

She shook her head, worried by the desperation she saw in him now. “No, you didn’t want to hurt me, did you?   And you knew this was coming,” she argued patiently. “You’ve been distracted and distant the whole time we’ve been together. I don’t know what it is that’s bothering you, Jack, but… maybe you need some time alone to think about that. Get your head together and figure out what your heart really wants… because it isn’t me.” 

Without waiting for more denial, she got up from the restaurant table, reached into her jeans pocket for some cash and laid it on the table. She stepped around to him, leaned down and kissed him on the cheek. 

 “We’re friends, Jack,” she said as she squeezed his shoulder, looking down at him. He was turned slightly away from her in shame, his face red and lips pressed tightly together, eyes downcast. “If you need to talk, you know where to find me.” 

She headed for the door, crossing the dining room without looking back, and asked the hostess to call a taxi to take her home. 

Daniel put drops in his eyes to get the red out, too aware that he looked terrible from another sleepless night. He screwed the cap on the eye drops, slipped his glasses on and headed down the hall to SG-1’s locker room for a shower. That done, he opened his locker, glancing about the room to make sure he was alone before he opened it all the way. 

For three weeks he had stood on the sidelines while Jack and Sam dated. He couldn’t sleep in his own bed because he would invariably fall into a crying jag or jerk off to fantasies of himself and Jack that made him feel even more miserable and utterly disloyal to both of his friends. He cared for both of them and wanted them to be happy, but he couldn’t stand by and watch them falling deeper in love.  He had realized two weeks into their relationship that he simply couldn’t stand by and watch any longer. It was tearing him apart inside, and he was losing the ability to deal with the pain. He was exhausted, depressed, and angry with himself, with the military, and with fate. 

He had to leave the SGC, only there was nowhere else for him to go, nowhere they couldn’t hunt him down and bring him back, unless…  

A week earlier, an idea had exploded fully formed into his mind. Daniel had wrestled with it from the first moment it had popped into his head, but finally he had come to a decision. It had taken the better part of that week to put the research he’d need together, but it was finally complete.  

He had tried to keep himself busy with work, waiting for the right moment to act, but it had become clear that no matter what he tried, he would never be able to handle watching Sam and Jack as lovers. 

He couldn’t go back to the academic world, and he couldn’t stay at the SGC. That left only one option: continue doing what he did best, just not on Earth. Doing it right took planning, and he had started that as soon as he’d made his decision to leave. 

Now, barely three weeks into Sam and Jack’s relationship, Daniel was ready to go. 

It was a relief that Jack no longer called him or stopped by his office just to chat, as he once had. Jack had always invited him out with the rest of the team on some social outing or other, but Daniel had politely declined over and over, citing a heavier workload as an excuse until finally Jack had seemed to get the message and had stopped coming by to see him.  

He’d done the same thing with Sam, agreeing to the occasional lunch in the commissary just to touch base with her. As long as Jack wasn’t in attendance, he was fine and enjoyed himself with her, except when she talked about her love life. Sam alone wasn’t the problem, and he’d managed to almost completely avoid Jack.  

Daniel just couldn’t deal with seeing Sam and Jack together, right in front of him. It was like a knife twisting deep in his guts. Invariably, whenever the newly reformed SG-1 had embarked on or returned from a mission, Jack had always found some excuse to be there, seemingly looking for forgiveness from Daniel but obviously also seeking a reconnection with Sam. As much as he tried, Daniel couldn’t miss the joy on Sam’s face when she looked at Jack. A blind man could have seen it. She was in love with him, and the knife of that knowledge was always there, twisting and stabbing, causing Daniel a pain so keenly felt it left him gasping for breath. 

Whenever Daniel had closed his eyes to sleep, he saw Sam and Jack together in Jack’s bed, a sweaty tangle of arms and legs, dark curves of flesh silvered by moonlight, undulating to the tune of passionate sighs and whispers. He had imagined how difficult it was for Sam and Jack to keep their hands off each other at work and wondered if they stole moments to slip into supply closets for kisses and groping.  

He realized he was torturing himself but couldn’t stop, not even when he changed the fantasy so that it was himself and Jack in bed or in the supply closets. He loved Jack O’Neill, but Jack didn’t love him. Jack couldn’t love Daniel because he was a man, yet Daniel couldn’t let the fantasy go. He pictured himself with Jack, naked and vulnerable in the dark of his bedroom. The scene would always end with Daniel jerking off, in desperate need of affection, tears of frustration and self-loathing pouring down his cheeks. 

His behavior made him ill, tore his shattered soul to ribbons. He was in so much pain, he could barely walk, barely think. So much for stuffing his feelings.  That obviously had not worked.  

He couldn’t go on like that. It was killing him, and he knew it. 

The only thing left for him to do was run away, as far and as fast as he could, where no one would ever be able to find him. He had a whole galaxy of destinations to choose from and thousands of open doors through which he could disappear. 

For the first time in his life, he thought he understood some of what Jack had felt on that first mission to Abydos. Part of him knew this plan was sheer lunacy, a fine madness with little chance of a positive outcome. He smiled as he thought about that assessment. Yeah, he was a little crazy. Maybe even a lot.  

Did he want to die? He didn’t think so but couldn’t be completely sure. He didn’t want to eat his loaded Beretta or anything, but he was aware that the risk of death through this plan was very real. He wouldn’t try to fool himself about that. The thought of ending his pain had its attraction so maybe he was more than a little mad, but his plan also had the potential for significant achievement.  That hope, however slim, seemed viable enough that he clung to it tenaciously and continued his preparations in secret. 

With grim determination, he checked his private stock of supplies hidden away in his locker, ready and waiting. He had extra blank journals and pens, batteries for his comm unit and laptop,  printouts with the gate coordinates he’d chosen tucked neatly between the pages of the journals, all set and ready to go.   

That done, he dressed and headed for his office, where he worked diligently on the material for the next mission briefing, then spent his last few hours before dawn writing the letters he would leave behind. 

By morning, his vest and backpack had been repacked with all his most necessary supplies and the letters, sealed in individual envelopes. He was bone tired and hungry for the first time in weeks.  

After a big breakfast in the commissary, he stopped by his room to make sure all that remained of his personal possessions were properly boxed up for removal or disposal. With a lump in his throat, he glanced at the photographs face down in the box by the nightstand.  

He hadn’t intended to take anyone with him, but he couldn’t leave Jack behind completely. He opened the frames and took out one photograph of the team, one of himself and Jack with their heads bent over a chess board, and another that Daniel had taken of Jack in the field, on the first day that he had admitted to himself that he loved the man.  

Daniel ran his thumb alongside the curve of that lean cheek, his eyes wandering over Jack’s image, taking in the smooth, tanned skin, the flinty expression, the attitude of Jack’s posture. He took a few moments to savor the photo, not missing the way Jack’s clothes draped his hard body, clinging to his groin, just under his low-slung utility belt. God, he could even tell that Jack had been dressing to the right that day. With that P-90 slung on its strap around his neck, hand caressing it as he always did, Jack was the hottest thing Daniel had ever seen.  

Daniel frowned as he became aware of his own arousal, the heat of it spreading low in his belly. How he wanted Jack! How he loved him.  

Finally he tore his eyes away from the photo and quickly tucked it away, slipping it between the pages of one of his journals with the other pictures to protect them as he traveled. He knew he would never regret bringing Jack along with him in this small way. 

This trip, he’d be carrying an extra ten pounds of gear in addition to what he usually carried, unbeknownst to the rest of his team.  Even in spite of the extra weight, for what he had planned, he’d be traveling light.  He wondered just how far those few survival supplies would take him. None of that could be helped. He’d made his plan, and he was sticking to it. All that remained was seeing it through. 

Taking one last slow look around, Daniel turned off the lights and locked up his quarters, then hurried off to the briefing room for his last words as an employee of the SGC. 

PX4-701 

“All right, everybody,” Colonel Edwards called, “you know the drill. No apparent hostiles, but that’s never a sure thing. Heads up, eyes open.” He glanced at his chronometer. “Ten klicks to the temple, and we’ll have the rest of the day to check this place out for anything useful. Move out.” 

SG-1 moved away from the stargate at a steady pace, heading for the ruins mapped out days earlier by the UAV. 

“That’s nice to see,” observed Sam as she fell into step beside Daniel. Edwards was several steps ahead of them, behind Teal’c, who was on point. 

“What?” Daniel asked, glancing over at her. 

“You’re smiling,” she told him happily. “I haven’t seen that on your face in a while. Have you finally slipped out of the funk you’ve been in?” 

“I’ve just been busy,” he told her with a shrug. “Had a lot on my mind.” 

“Whatever. It’s good to see you in a better mood, anyway. You seem like you’re really looking forward to digging around in this new temple.” 

He just looked at her. Suddenly, part of him began to regret what he was about to do. “I care about you, Sam,” he blurted. “You know that, right?” 

Her face went slack with shock, and she stopped walking. “Yeah, I know.” She grabbed his sleeve and pulled him to a stop, facing her. “Are you okay, Daniel?” 

He reached out and impulsively hugged her, feeling her arms come up around him in response. “I’m fine,” he answered quietly. “Since when does something have to be wrong with me to tell you that I’m fond of you?” 

She slid back in his embrace and blinked at him, suspicion written all over her features. “It doesn’t, you just… You don’t usually say stuff like that unless you’re drunk and maudlin.” 

Daniel chuckled and blushed slightly. “Yeah, well, maybe that ought to change.” He sobered and grasped her hand, aware that his fingers were cold against her warm, soft skin. “I’ve come to some decisions lately, and I wanted the people closest to me to be certain how I feel about them. Whenever we walk through that ‘gate, we don’t have a guarantee that we’ll be coming home. We don’t always have the chance to say the words, and I wanted to say them to you,” he smiled, filled with genuine warmth, “when I wasn’t drunk and maudlin.” 

She frowned at him, a little suspicious, still reeling from his uncharacteristic expression of emotion. 

“You’ve been a great friend to me, Sam. Like a sister. I wanted you to know how much I treasure that.” He took her by the arm and tugged her after the others. “C’mon. Edwards will give us both hell for falling behind. Mustn’t keep our colonels waiting.” 

That thought brought Jack prominently to mind.  He turned away, keeping his eyes on the trail and hurrying her along through the tall grass. He could feel her eyeing him, her busy brain at work trying to figure out what was up with him. She’d probably figure it out eventually, but by then it would be too late. 

Daniel watched Teal’c disappear ahead of them over the crest of a hill.  He picked up his pace under the heavy weight of his pack in an effort to catch up with the colonel.   

An hour later, they stood at their destination, on the steps of a temple.  In short order, everyone fell into their assigned duties, Daniel scouting the interior, Edwards setting up camp, Teal’c scouting the perimeter, Carter taking mineral samples.   

Daniel assured Edwards that the temple was structurally sound, and that he’d be occupied with studying it for a good many hours. He stepped into the shady interior, unobserved, and immediately slipped away out the back door. 

As fast as he could, he made his way directly back to the stargate. He dropped his backpack and utility vest on the ground and hastily started undressing, always checking the horizon for signs of pursuit or alien attention.  

From his pack, he withdrew his blue robes and soft boots from Vis Uban and quickly put them on. Then he took the folded shoulder satchel out of his pack and stowed everything in it that he had brought for this trip.  

That done, he folded his BDUs and left them beneath his military-issue boots. On top of the bundle of clothing,  he placed his pistol and zat. Last of all, he took out the four letters he’d written, removed the GDO from his forearm and strapped it around the letters to keep them from blowing away.  

As last, he stepped up to the DHD, opened one of the journals to his list, picked a set of coordinates at random and started pressing the keys  His heart was thumping in his chest.  He had reached the point of no return now. 

The wormhole engaged, and he walked up to the event horizon, remembering the first time he had stood there, so many years ago, not at all certain what really lay on the other side. With that same feeling of wonder in his heart, he let his fingers play with the rippling surface, marveling at how cool it was, like sticking one’s hand in water, but without the sensation of breaking a surface.  

He smiled wistfully, tears gathering in his eyes, fully aware that he might be flattened against solid rock, emerge into unbreathable air or meet some other form of quick death once he reached the other side.  

This was his own personal form of Russian roulette, a little game he had chosen to play with himself in the interest of science. 

“Goodbye, Jack,” he said softly, the vibrations of his voice and the current of his breath making little ripples in the surface of the event horizon. “I love you, and I always will.”  

He closed his eyes and immersed his face in the watery depths, then took a step and pushed his body inside. 

Sunset was a little over an hour away.  Sam stood up to stretch, relieving the ache in her lower back. She had been squatting or kneeling for hours, collecting mineral and plant samples and running the survey equipment they had brought with them. Teal’c had been assisting her while Colonel Edwards had kept watch over them and the rest of the camp, just outside the front of the temple. He seemed to be a man who did things strictly by the book, a far different personality than Colonel O’Neill had been in command, but she respected him. 

He had served with Daniel and Teal’c before, when the Unas tribe had attacked a derelict naquadah mine, so Edwards knew something about the team linguist’s worth to the SGC. She knew Jack had already given Edwards the run-down on his people before handing them over but didn’t know how the new colonel would feel about the opinion of a man dating his former 2IC. This was his first mission with her, and she wanted to impress him with her capabilities. She felt she had to prove herself to him, and the only way she could do that was to be competent, efficient and way better at what she did than any man he’d ever commanded. 

Sam Carter was always up to that task. 

“Dinnertime soon,” Edwards called, his head swiveling around to peer into the darkened interior of the temple. “Who’s doing the honors tonight?” 

Sam grinned at Teal’c and gave him a wink. “I believe it’s your turn, sir,” she returned, packing up the last of the equipment and heading back to camp from down slope. “I’ll go get Daniel.” She set her sample case aside, stretched again, and strolled into the shady interior of the ancient building. 

“Daniel!” she called. The small foyer gave way to a large room, the roof of which was supported by dozens of tall columns. When no answer came to her summons, she took out her flashlight and switched it on, heading deeper into the interior.  

A dark chamber at the back of the room lay behind a raised altar.  She stepped inside,  shining her torch on the floor and following Daniel’s dusty footprints through the small room into a hallway that led still deeper into the building. She passed storage rooms that looked like they would have been treasure troves for the archaeologist, but the footprints went steadily past them, finally exiting at the back of the building. 

Frowning, she followed the tracks as best she could, but the ground turned rocky, and she quickly lost the trail. Head up, she glanced around the sloping landscape covered in trees and called her teammate again, using her radio first to try to raise him, then to apprise her new C.O. that their teammate was missing when Daniel didn’t respond. She circled around the side of the temple, still calling his name, eventually making her way back upslope to the camp. 

Panting, she made eye contact with the colonel. “I can’t find him, sir. His footprints went out the back, and then I lost the trail.” 

Edwards was tense, eyes scanning the treeline all around the temple clearing, already preparing to start the search. He jogged toward the temple. “Show me, Carter. Teal’c, let’s see where our archaeologist went.” 

The Jaffa was already running ahead of him, flashlight out as he disappeared into the temple gloom. 

“There is no sign that DanielJackson was taken by others,” Teal’c reported as twilight descended. “His tracks lead toward the stargate.” 

All of them were panting now, following the tracks as fast as Teal’c could read them. 

“Where could he be going?” asked Sam, intuition nagging at her. This felt bad. Really bad. She had eyes only for her Jaffa teammate, whose grim expression spoke of the same fear. 

“All right, people,” called Edwards, coming to a stop. “I need info to make a decision here. You two know Daniel way better than I do. Do we go back to camp and wait for him to return, start looking again at dawn, or do we break camp, gather our supplies and head back to the stargate now?” 

Sam’s heart was thudding in her chest, and not just from their hurried pace. She eyed Teal’c, who nodded in silent agreement. “We’ll travel faster if we go straight to the gate, sir. Daniel’s life is far more important than the equipment we leave behind at camp.” 

Edwards nodded. “To the gate, then. Teal’c if those tracks veer away, stay on ‘em.” 

The trio continued on the trail of the missing man as the shadows deepened and sunlight began to fail. 

“O’Neill’s gonna kill me,” the colonel muttered under his breath. “This is like losing the freakin’ Hope Diamond in the woods.” He clenched his teeth. “Jack told me to watch him. Christ!” 

Carter just glanced at him, seeing more than just concern for his own hide in the man’s face. He might not know Daniel well, but he was obviously aware how valuable Doctor Jackson was to the program… and what a good man he was, as well. 

“We’ll find him, sir,” she assured her C.O. “This isn’t like Daniel, to just disappear without a reason.” 

Teal’c’s eyes left the tracks for a moment, fixing her with an eloquently sad gaze that sent a chill up her spine. The big man seemed all too certain that Daniel had gone. That thought terrified her. She started to jog, and Teal’c also picked up the pace. 

Finally the stargate loomed up in the distance, a mere speck at first. It sat on a flat, rocky plain strewn with a multitude of pebbles, low hills covered with scrub grasses arching up on either side of it. The terrain was hard and small clods of dirt crunched underfoot, but Teal’c had no trouble following the trail of footprints, barely visible to Sam. 

“His tracks lead directly back to the gate,” Teal’c announced, gesturing forward with his staff weapon. “They are several hours old, but there were no other tracks with his, so it is not likely that he was taken prisoner.” 

“Then he’s gone,” Edwards declared, frowning at the shadowy landscape. “I don’t see any other alternative here, major.”   

“Daniel wouldn’t just leave, sir,” Sam told him.  She shook her head and ran her hand through her hair. “He wouldn’t walk away without telling one of us. This isn’t like him.” She shifted on her feet, her face looking like she’d eaten a bad MRE. 

“Spill it, Carter,” ordered Edwards, reading her discomfort accurately. 

“He wasn’t acting right on the way here,” she added uncertainly. “I don’t know how else to describe it. I got the feeling he was… maybe saying goodbye.” 

Anger swelled inside Edwards. “Let’s get to the gate,” he rasped. “Double time.” 

They spotted Daniel’s things that had been left behind long before they got there. Edwards arrived cursing. “Mission aborted,” he snarled. “Everybody back to base.”  

He turned to Teal’c. “Can you confirm that Daniel hasn’t gone anywhere else on the planet, that he left through the stargate?” 

Teal’c scanned the ground and read the tracks, following them up to the steps. He nodded, catching his breath. “Yes, ColonelEdwards. He is not here. The trail did not divert from the most direct path back to the Stargate, and disappears into it.” 

Sam squatted down to retrieve the neat pile of Daniel’s clothes, boots and gear. She was shaking when she stood, her stomach tied in knots. She swallowed hard as she made eye contact with Teal’c, then her commanding officer. “Sir, look  -- he didn’t take his GDO with him,” she observed. “He knows he can never come home without it,” she murmured, her voice betraying her fear and worry about her friend. Her gaze dropped to the bundle in her hands. “Oh, Daniel.” 

Edwards immediately snatched up the GDO wrapped around the packet of letters. He yanked them out of the Velcro straps and quickly read the names on each envelope. 

“I believe,” said Teal’c huskily, “that was DanielJackson’s objective, MajorCarter. He does not intend to go home again. Ever.” 

“But why?” she asked softly. “We’re his family. He loves us.” 

Edwards was steaming as he held up the packet of letters. “This ought to tell us something. Let’s get back to base and report to General Hammond.” 

“What do you mean, he disappeared?” demanded Hammond through the PA system, eyeing each one of them as they stood looking up at him in the control booth. “How long has he been gone? Where the hell did he go?” 

“You weren’t watching him?” rasped Jack, his voice deadly quiet as he stepped closer to the colonel at the foot of the ramp. Fists clenched, he kept them stiffly at his sides, getting up in the other commander’s face, seething but controlled, conscious of every eye trained on them in the ‘gate room and upstairs in the control booth. “I told you, Edwards, you have to keep an eye on him every minute! You were in command, for cryin’ out loud! Daniel gets so wrapped up in those chicken scratches, he forgets he’s on another planet, and you have to—“ 

“He was planning this!” Edwards snarled back, waving the envelopes in Jack’s face. “These have computer generated labels on ‘em. He wasn’t carrying a printer in his backpack, which indicates previous preparation. He didn’t sit down to write these in the temple, Jack. He printed ‘em out here and took them with him, so knock it off.” 

Jack stared at the envelopes, recognizing the truth of Edwards’ assessment. A sick feeling spread from his stomach all through him, leaving him light headed and weak.  

“You’re right,” mumbled Jack. “Anything Daniel decided to do, he’d find a way to do it. Only obeyed orders if he agreed with ‘em. Even if I’d been there, this same thing could’ve happened. I could never make Daniel do anything he didn’t want to do either, and this sort of crap is why I have all these white hairs in my head.”  

Jack sighed, feeling helpless and deflated. The little shit always did exactly what he pleased and was wily as a goddamned weasel. Daniel with an agenda was a man to be reckoned with, and he could be fucking sneaky when he wanted. Jack had seen that happen often enough, no matter who pretended to command the archaeologist.  

Now Daniel had gone off on his own somewhere, most likely under some alien influence, and Jack was terrified that without his GDO Daniel couldn’t get home. 

“Sorry, Edwards,” Jack offered earnestly. He stepped aside and nodded toward the door. “Let’s go up to the briefing room. Maybe what’s in those letters will help us figure out where he’s gone.” 

Jack accompanied the remainder of SG-1out into the corridor and turned right, heading for the stairs.  

When everyone arrived at the table, and had taken a seat, Edwards spoke softly, his brown eyes still flashing with anger and frustration.. “General Hammond, as of fourteen hundred hours, I want Doctor Jackson logged as absent without leave, sir.” 

“He’s not military,” Carter reminded him stiffly as she eased into her chair. “He can’t be AWOL, sir.” 

“Then find a charge that can be applied to our civilian consultant, and nail it to the wall for when we find him,” Edwards shot back. He handed the letters to the general, who passed them out, one by one, to their named recipients. Edwards sat down, glowering at the table while he waited. 

Jack held onto his envelope, looking at it, dreading opening it. His heart was in his throat.  How the hell had this happened? 

Hammond’s opened his letter and briefly scanned the contents, a muscle twitching in his jaw. With an exasperated sigh, he threw the paper down on the table and fixed a baleful stare on the others seated with him. “It seems the good doctor thought he might resign from his post while on a mission,” said the general coolly.  

“What did he say?” asked Edwards. 

The general picked up the letter again. “ ‘Dear Sir, You have been an excellent administrator, compassionate toward all who serve under you. I appreciate that greatly, but I have come to a point in my life where I can no longer maintain my position at the SGC. Unfortunately, with my background, I can also no longer return to an academic position at any university. This limits my options severely, so I have taken a course of action which I hope will continue to be of use to researchers and academics within the auspices of Stargate Command. 

To that end, I hereby officially tender my resignation as a member of SG-1, in the hopes that I may be of continued support in the field. I apologize for leaving without proper notice, but this was my only option. It has been my honor to work with you, sir, and I wish you and your family my best. 

Sincerely,

Daniel Jackson’ “ 

He glanced up at the others around the table, an undercurrent of worry etched into his expression. “I’m sorry, ladies and gentlemen, but this is unprofessional conduct and I won’t accept his resignation. Do any of you have any idea what prompted Doctor Jackson to act in such an irresponsible, irrational manner?” 

All eyes turned to Carter as she started reading aloud. “ ‘I’m sorry for doing this to you, Sam, because I know you’ll be hurt. Please understand that it was nothing you did or said. I just couldn’t stay where I was anymore, living half a life. I thought about leaving the SGC, but I couldn’t go back to an academic position and teach what I know to be lies. There was no future for me on Earth, but out here maybe I can still be useful to those who matter most in my universe. I care deeply for you and hope that one day you’ll be able to forgive me for what I’ve done.  

Affectionately, Daniel.’ ” 

Everyone turned to Teal’c. The big man was frowning. A muscle twitched in his jaw and his eyes were grim. “He said much the same thing in his letter to me,” the Jaffa a