By Lady Grey

The late spring air was warm, sweet with the perfume of neighborhood blooms, still and quiet – unusual for that hour of the day.  It was as if the whole city of Colorado Springs were holding its collective breath, waiting for the world to change, and now Jack knew it had.  He’d gotten the memo earlier in the day, placed directly in his hands by General Hammond himself, and he knew what was coming. 

That didn’t make it any easier to face.   

He inhaled another lungful of early evening air as he let his gaze wander for a moment to the distant trees at the perimeter of his yard.  Then he wandered back into his house, keeping his mind blank, not wanting to think about this at all.  It was enough that the military had done an abrupt about-face in policy; he didn’t want to deal with the issue until there was no other choice. 

Until he heard the words, spoken publicly to the whole world, with his own ears. 

Wandering slowly into his den, he settled himself into his brown leather recliner.  With a sigh of resignation, he picked up the remote and turned on the television.  Punching in the number for the FOX news station, he cleared his mind.  The first story was a report on a recent election in the Middle East and its possible impact on the war against terrorism.  Then the news anchor switched the broadcast to a journalist standing on the mall in front of the Washington Monument to make her report.   

This was the one he’d been anticipating. 

He read the reporter’s name across the bottom of the screen, but had no idea who Jennifer Maitland was.  Some ingénue, no doubt, who thought she’d gotten a scoop.  The military had simply carefully chosen to whom they’d leaked the information, and this new young face got to be the one to break the news to the rest of the world. 

She was young, mid- to late-twenties, with long brownish-blonde hair, smartly dressed in a navy suit, her makeup carefully applied.  In her left hand she held a microphone, and in her right a small bundle of papers stapled together in the top corner.   

“Today, the Joint Chiefs of Staff admitted a change in policy toward homosexuals in the military,” she began.  “A news conference is scheduled for tomorrow, but I have in my hand a copy of the memo declaring that, as of tomorrow, gays and lesbians will be welcomed into the ranks of our country’s service personnel, in order to meet the need brought on by the war on terror.  This new regulation also applies to all previously dishonorably discharged soldiers who were relieved of duty due to discovery of their orientation, current members of the military operating under the Clinton-era ‘don’t ask/don’t tell’ policy, and any who wished to have a military career but never joined because of their orientation.” 

Jack felt his belly tighten.  He concentrated on relaxing it.  His hands gripped the arm of the chair and the remote, and he had to remind himself to breathe.   

“This announcement,” the reporter went on, “comes on the heels of the scientific community’s recent declaration that homosexual orientation is chiefly a biological phenomenon, with only slight environmental influence responsible for natural selection of sexual partners.  The measure was presented by President Harrison to the Joint Chiefs more than two months ago, following the passing of the Human Rights Amendment to the Constitution, which gives equal protection under the law to everyone, regardless of race, gender, religion, ethnic background, or sexual orientation.  The President put forth a diligent campaign with top military personnel in order to achieve this landmark decision among the nation’s armed forces. 

“The so-called ‘don’t ask/don’t tell’ policy instituted by President Clinton in 1993 resulted in a 67 percent increase in dishonorable discharges of gay and lesbian soldiers.  Many of these soldiers have been key personnel, specializing in languages and analysis of sensitive information, and their loss has had a significant, detrimental impact on homeland security.” 

Jack’s throat constricted.  He swallowed hard, blinked and made himself let go of the remote, letting it balance on the chair arm.  He clasped his hands over his flat belly, elbows balanced on the chair, and kept listening.  There was more, he knew. 

“The Canadian military has successfully integrated gay and lesbian personnel among their ranks,” Ms. Maitland continued, “and our military will be using their methods as a pattern.  Any mistreatment of homosexual personnel will be dealt with quickly and severely, and those who refuse to accept the gay soldiers among their ranks may find themselves court-martialed. The need for able-bodied, competent soldiers has far outstripped the barriers of prejudice, striking down this bastion of discrimination and finally embracing a policy of complete equality.”   

The scene changed to show canned shots of military folk moving about on a base somewhere, a collage that moved through scenes featuring every branch of the military going through their paces, while the reporter continued with a voiceover. 

“Preparations are already under way at several hand-picked military bases across the US to process, examine and house the new and returning recruits.  The Joint Chiefs expect to have several thousand soldiers in the various branches transferring from current duty stations, new candidates applying, and former dishonorably discharged soldiers returning to active duty.  The logistics of managing such an influx will prove challenging.   

“Even more difficult will be changing the anti-gay mindset that the military has clung to for so many years, but we have been assured that the integration will be swift and as painless as possible.   

“There is also a general feeling among many in the know that accepting gays into the service may cause some long-time heterosexual officers to retire, rather than deal with this new regulation.  Some will say that could be a beneficial loss, but regardless of the turbulence that will no doubt be part of the initial inclusion, the fact remains that many of the soldiers who have been dismissed in the past were experts in their various fields, and having them back can only be a boost to the military’s talent pool.” 

Jack half listened to the rest of her report, prattling on as she was about ramification this and difficulty that.  When the announcement was over, he listened to the reporter say a few more words in support of the new regulation, then kept the television on long enough to hear the FOX anchor’s non-committal response before turning off the set. 

Immediately, he went back outside to the deck, hands stuffed into his trouser pockets.  There was no outcry from neighboring houses, no collective moan or shouts of rage.  People had heard the news and life continued.  Tomorrow the whole base would be alive with speculation about the subject.  As one of the officers who had been given a heads-up on the official policy, Jack knew he’d be required to quell any negative talk and reassure those who voiced those opinions that it was for the best.  If they couldn’t get on board with the new regs, they could always find the door back to civilian life. 

Gays and lesbians were to be treated no differently than any other soldier, which meant anyone attacking or harassing them would need to be dealt with quickly and harshly.  That was now the official policy.  There would undoubtedly be those who found subtle ways of showing their prejudice, but Jack and the other officers would be vigilant.  They’d take down names and keep incident logs for review, and penalties would be assessed.   

These were important considerations, and Jack was certain he could carry them out without hesitation.  More importantly, however, this change in policy had another, more personal meaning for him.  The reporter’s words echoed in his head as he stared blindly out at the darkening landscape.   

His whole world had changed, in the wink of an eye.  President Harrison had taken down the walls keeping homosexuals out of the military, and the words of that announcement swirled around inside Jack, tearing down other barriers he had spent a lifetime maintaining.  Tears prickled his eyes, and he blinked them away, the moisture gluing his eyelashes together.   

He was a soldier, first and foremost. That was what defined him as a man, and now… soldiers could be gay. They could be women who loved other women; men who loved other men. Men who made love to other men.   

Jack closed his eyes and leaned on the deck railing, the painted wood cool beneath his palms.  

The moment he let down his guard, the fantasies were there. 

Well-muscled chests. Flexing biceps. Stiffening cocks, rising proudly above heavy balls. 

Jack sighed and opened his eyes. There was no longer any need to keep those thoughts at bay. He could be who he was and openly admit those feelings, because Jack O’Neill was gay. He had always known it, always fought against it, and for more than 30 years he had won. 

Minnesota, summer, 1964 

Leaving Chicago for summers with his grandfather at his cabin were much-needed breaks for Jack, since he could be alone most of the time. He could prowl the Minnesota woods or go fishing without seeing another human being for hours. When he wanted company, he could walk into town and hang out at the Tastee Freez, the only place in the tiny little burg where fourteen-year-olds like Jack could meet others their age. 

That was where he’d met Tony Conti. He was a year younger than Jack and they had absolutely nothing in common, aside from a smart mouth and a quick wit. Tony had thick black hair, worn long enough for the curls to frame his face in an unruly mop. He had big brown eyes and a natural tan that made his teeth gleam when he smiled.  The dimples that cleaved his cheeks made Jack twitch in his seat. 

God, how he loved dimples. 

He and Tony rubbed each other the wrong way from the start, and both boys loved it. Conti was bookish, not an athletic bone in his body, but he was smart and attractive, and Jack loved getting into arguments with him. They disagreed about everything, and over the months they had gone from sitting across the restaurant’s dining room and trading barbs, to passionate debates over the same booth table. Tony got Jack’s blood up every time they met, and Jack had gradually gone from spending a bored afternoon hour in town, to almost all day at the Tastee Freez, just so he could be with Tony. 

It had been just a couple weeks shy of Labor Day that year when he’d invited Tony to go fishing with him. Much to his surprise, Tony had agreed. In the sun-baked quiet of the Minnesota wilds, the two boys had sat quietly for a time, and then started talking. That had been one of the most amazing conversations of Jack’s whole life, and he felt certain he’d be safe with Tony; that Tony felt something for Jack, just as he did for the younger boy. Jack still wasn’t sure what it all meant, but he easily imagined holding Tony close, whispering to him, kissing him, touching him, and that felt good. It felt right. 

Only he didn’t know how to bring it up. He’d decided to think about that as they walked back to town, and in the ensuing quiet, they had heard something. There were noises wafting toward them from deep in the woods, so they’d decided to investigate. Deep into the shadowy trees they stole, careful of where they stepped so they wouldn’t be heard approaching. 

The sounds were exciting, rhythmic groans and moans, softly breathed names, whispered declarations of love and urgent commands to action.  

“Love you, baby. So much.” 

“God, yes! Like that. Fuck, yes!” 

“Feels so good.” 

“Don’t stop loving me. Not ever. I always wanna be with you like this.” 

“Yes. Always. I’m yours, baby.” 

Peering through the leaves, he saw two young men on a blanket. Both of them were naked and they were… doing things with each other. Jack’s father had talked to him about sex and shown him some pictures, but this wasn’t a man and a woman.  What these two guys were doing, Jack hadn’t known was even possible.  

It excited him. It answered so many questions, put things into place for him. This was something he wanted to do with Tony. 

He turned to look at his young friend, hoping to find agreement in his face, but Jack was shocked by what he saw. Tony’s handsome features were screwed up in an expression of total disgust, and he turned away and stomped back toward the trail they’d just left, not bothering to be quiet any longer. 

Jack didn’t look back, just hurried after his friend, panic rearing up inside him. He watched Tony pick up his fishing gear and walk briskly back toward town, face clouded with some unpleasant emotion. Jack gathered up his stuff and hurried to catch up. 

“Fuckin’ queers!” Tony spat a moment later. “I know those guys, Jack. They’re on the high school football team. They’re supposed to be heroes, for cryin’ out loud! Best friends!” 

Swallowing hard, Jack felt his palms sweating around his fishing rod and the handle of the tackle box. “What’re you gonna do, Tone?” 

Dark eyes flashing with rage, Tony stopped walking and stared at his taller friend. “I’m gonna tell on ‘em. What’d you think I was gonna do?” 

Jack didn’t answer. He felt suddenly lost. He shrugged. “Who are they?” 

“Dave Pennig and Joey Anders,” Tony answered. He snorted in disgust. “God, they make me sick.” Tony started walking again, his head down, watching the path. 

Falling in beside him, Jack remained silent, lost in his own thoughts.  

Tony went on, “Dave was gonna join the Air Force this fall and be a big jet jockey.” He shook his head and laughed. There was a sharp, cruel edge to it. “Guess he won’t be doing that now.” 

“Why not?”  Jack’s thoughts immediately went to the model airplanes hanging all over his room at home. That was Jack’s dream, too.  

Glaring at him, Tony flashed a dark, bitter smile. “Because they don’t allow queers in the military, Jack. Jeez, what planet are you from? Don’t they have fags in Chicago?” 

Jack didn’t answer.  He kept walking, something cold and heavy settling into the pit of his stomach.  He went with Tony to the Tastee Freez, standing silently by while the other boy told all his friends what they’d seen.  When asked to corroborate by disbelievers, Jack just nodded, sick inside that he was contributing to those young men’s shame.  

Three days later, Jack’s grandfather told him the news that young Dave Pennig had accidentally killed himself while cleaning his father’s pistol. A week afterward, Joey Anders left town; just disappeared. Jack heard later that he’d left a note for his parents, telling them he would never be back to bother them again. 

In the waning days of that hot summer, Jack stopped going to the Tastee Freez. He kept busy, doing odd jobs for his grandparents and some of their neighbors, so he’d have an excuse not to hang with Tony. When the other boy finally came to see him, he begged off until Tony finally quit coming around. Jack just wasn’t comfortable with him anymore. He was ashamed, not of what they’d seen, but because he’d helped ruin two lives. He was also badly frightened, knowing how close he’d come to making a move on Tony.  When he thought of it now, Jack’s blood ran cold. 

So he’d returned to his solitary summer idylls, and today, with the first breath of autumn in the air and his vacation time about to end, Jack felt only relief as he anticipated going home again.  He’d gone out to the railroad tracks cutting through the woods, just walking and thinking. Strolling along the rails, Jack’s hands were stuffed into the pockets of his jacket, his head down, watching the shiny steel passing beneath his feet.  

For two years he continued to struggle silently with himself, watching others for behavior patterns that were considered acceptable, using humor to camouflage his mistakes in judgment. He learned that it wasn’t cool to hug other boys, to be close to them.  The things he most yearned for were frowned upon by both other teens and their parents.  He had to watch himself constantly, which pushed him away from the friendships he’d made with other boys.  

Jack couldn’t have what those young men in the woods had had, before their secret came out. That wasn’t allowed. Jack wanted to be a pilot, maybe fly jets, be a hero.  Maybe he’d even be an astronaut someday and fly to the moon. He didn’t want to be a pervert, a fag, a queer, shunned and ridiculed by everybody, so that meant he was going to have to find a way to like girls the way he did boys.  He’d watch to see how it was done and learn how to act in acceptable ways.  He was smart, and he would never, ever touch another guy like those two had in the woods.  Jack had dreams, and he meant to keep them.   He never forgot the hard lessons he’d learned during that Minnesota summer, when he’d come so close to losing his dreams. 

June, 1985
Colorado Springs, Colorado 

Standing over the baby’s crib, Jack studied his sleeping son, his heart so full it ached. He pulled the blankets up a little, tucking Charlie in, and turned to make his way through the darkened house to the bedroom he shared with Sara. She was sitting up under the covers, a book propped against her raised knees, apparently reading. 

Taking off his T-shirt as he walked, he thought back over the day. It had been a good one, just an ordinary Saturday afternoon, barbecuing in the back yard with the neighbors. They’d talked about sports – well, he and Edmund Holloway had, while their wives discussed babies and recipes and gossipy things. Jack loved those days, because they were so normal, so quiet and peaceful, and in Jack’s world, he took his peace wherever he could get it. 

Eddie was a pediatrician, and he and his wife, Anne, had a baby girl a few months younger than Charlie. Anne and Sara were best friends, practically joined at the hip since the day she and Jack had moved into the neighborhood.  

This meant that, by default, Ed and Jack spent a lot of time together, too. They’d been slow to warm up to each other, but the births of their children had changed all that. After two years of sharing each other’s lives, the men were now best friends.  

The doctor wore his long, dark blond hair in a ponytail at the office, and loose around his shoulders at home. He had a blinding smile with deep dimples, and hazel eyes that changed to dark green when he wore that color.  They stood the same height, but Ed had a heavier build, with muscles that bulged and rippled as he moved. He was fond of wearing tank tops and shorts at home, and sometimes Jack had a hard time not staring at him. He was gorgeous.  

Memories of Eddie in the back yard, sunlight glistening off his tanned skin, danced across Jack’s consciousness as he brushed his teeth. He closed his eyes and enjoyed them, so that by the time he was finished in the bathroom, he was ready for Sara.  

She smiled at the erection tenting out his shorts as he ambled over to the bed. “Is that for me?” she teased, laying her book aside as he got under the covers. 

“Doesn’t belong to anybody else,” he assured her. It was the truth, after all.  He tackled her into the pillow.  When he let her up for air, Sara reached over to turn off the bedside lamp, but Jack stayed her hand. “We always have the lights on,” she pouted. “It might be romantic to do it in the dark. C’mon, Jack. Let’s try it, just this once. Please? You might like it.” 

“I like looking at my beautiful wife,” he murmured against her neck, just below her ear. He needed the lights on, so he could concentrate on whom he was touching and not get lost in other images that invariably coursed through his mind when he was aroused. He needed to see her to defend himself against his fantasies.  

Even now, the hard-on squashed between their bodies had been inspired by someone else. He quickly tucked that truth away, but the guilt continued to eat at him. He wasn’t hard for Sara. He loved her – there was no doubt about that – but had she not dropped little hints all day about what she expected that night, he’d have been perfectly content to just roll over and go to sleep. He never initiated sex without some kind of preamble from her, and if she changed her mind and turned him down, he always felt a distinct sense of relief flooding through him.  

He was performing properly as a husband, but Sara was still being cheated. This wasn’t fair to her, and he knew it. He was going to have to find a way to stop faking his way into desire for her, and give her 100% of himself. She was the mother of his child, and he didn’t want to lose her and Charlie.  

Jack threw himself into arousing her, doing all the things he knew she liked best. Sara liked it quick and hard, since she didn’t have a lot of energy to spare on marathon sex, what with being a full time mom and homemaker.  He made every effort to please her on her terms. He brought her off with a stunning orgasm that left her limp beneath him, but he couldn’t get there with her. Minutes later, he closed his eyes and instantly, the body beneath him was familiar and muscular, grappling with him for control. 

 “Yes, Jack, fuck me,” Eddie growled between clenched teeth in Jack’s mind. 

“Feels so good, baby,” Jack panted, pretending he was fucking his gorgeous friend into the mattress.  

The groans he heard in his imagination were masculine and deep, urging him on, demanding, exciting. The fantasy pulled him screaming over the edge, left him panting into the pillow beneath his wife’s head. 

As he rolled off her and collapsed onto his own pillow, the guilt ate away at him again. This was so unfair to her. She had no idea what was going on in his head, and he hated that he was cheating her of what should be exclusively hers. 

As she snuggled up to him, he slipped his arm around her shoulders and silently promised himself that he would find a way to rid himself of the demons that lived inside him. He’d fight them back so that his love for Sara was pure, untainted with those ghosts from the past. She deserved all of him, and he vowed again that he’d find a way to give it to her.

It had taken time, but eventually he’d managed to fulfill that promise to himself. His marriage to Sara hadn’t survived Charlie’s death, but Charlie wasn’t the only reason it had failed. Killing off his inspiration had also killed a lot of things inside Jack. 

Now there was no longer any need for struggle. He could lay down his burden of secrecy at last, and be honest with himself and the rest of the world.  Oddly enough, however, there was no sweet sense of relief attached to that knowledge. The sensation that came to him, once he could put a name to it, was resignation. The more he thought about it, the more he realized he had no idea how to approach a potential male partner. He’d forgotten how to do it with women and didn’t relish starting over at his age.  The rules would probably be different, when it came to dating other men, and Jack was clueless.  

He was also terrified; couldn’t even imagine what it might be like to have an intimate relationship with another man. 

Then again, he already had one that went well beyond the realm of mere friendship. 

He thought about Daniel, and almost immediately post-mission memories of the younger man in the base showers crept in, but Jack shied away from pursuing that line of thinking.  

No, there would be no true partners for Jack O’Neill, just as he had promised himself in his youth. He’d decided he would come out, and that would be enough. He just hoped his team would understand, and accept him as he was. There were a lot of things to think about now, not the least of which were when and how to come out of the closet to Daniel, Carter and Teal’c.  

One Week Later
SGC Briefing Room 

Jack’s mouth was dry as he pushed back his chair and stood up. His eyes moved from face to face lining the sides of the briefing table, faces he knew almost as well as his own. General Hammond sat across from him at the far end, his eyes on the papers stuffed neatly into his briefing binder. They were transfer papers, and they had already been signed. Jack was leaving SG-1 for another assignment, and he had decided the best way to handle informing his team was to do it formally.  

He glanced down to his left at Carter, seated at the long side of the table, her eyes turned up to him expectantly. Teal’c sat beside her, his face impassive, as always. Daniel sat to Jack’s right, across from Carter and Teal’c, scribbling away at his own notes for God knew what. Jack was certain he’d be listening even while working on ten other things, but for this announcement, he wanted everyone’s full attention. 

“Daniel,” Jack said quietly. He touched the tabletop with his fingertips, grounding himself, preparing. 

Blue eyes turned up to his immediately. They read his expression; the pen was capped and laid down, and Daniel sat back in his chair. He eyed Jack, waiting to hear why this meeting had been called, when there were no missions on the schedule for the team. 

Jack took another breath and let it slowly out, mentally bracing himself. 

“I’m sure you’ve all heard the recent new from the Joint Chiefs,” he began carefully.  

Carter turned away, stiffening up immediately, her gaze shifting to her notepad.  

Jack’s attention held the view of Carter’s profile for a moment longer, then moved to the General’s face.  He read compassion and admiration there, and it bolstered him to continue. 

“Our nation is going through difficult times,” Jack stated. “We have need of personnel with unique skills, people who can help with the war on terror, both on and off world. We lost a lot of those experts due to discriminatory policies that are no longer in the way. We also have bigger issues with other worlds and civilizations, and this should help us to take our place among them as a species that truly believes what our forefathers wrote in our Constitution: that all are created equal before God.” 

He glanced down at the transfer papers under the general’s hand. “Toward that end, new units will be formed to handle the influx of gay soldiers, and they’ll need qualified people in command. There may not be many willing to associate themselves with these regiments, and if there aren’t enough officers to fill all the necessary spots, the administration is going to start assigning them. Presently, I’m informed that no one of the rank of colonel has come forward—“ 

“Or come out,” muttered Carter under her breath. 

Jack ignored that, and the snide tone of voice with which it was delivered. “—to command the gay troops in the Air Force.” He paused, his gaze anchoring on her face. “Until now. I’ve asked to be transferred, and General Hammond has signed the papers. I’ll be shipping out in three days, once I tie up some loose ends here. General Hammond and I have already been working through most of the details for the last few days. They’ve reopened Moore Air Force Base at Fort Devens, Mass, especially for my new unit to be formed and to work out all the kinks. No pun intended.” 

Carter gasped. Her eyes went wide, filled with shock and disbelief. “But, sir, what we’re doing here at the SGC – this is of global concern! It’s far more important than—“ 

“I understand that, Carter,” Jack assured her gently, “but this new endeavor is also crucial. Their need is great and immediate. I’m not the only colonel in the Stargate Program. I may well be the only colonel in the gay division of the Air Force.” 

“But, sir, you’re not gay!” she declared. She was gripping her pen until her knuckles turned white. Her eyes were huge, filled with fear. 

Jack straightened to his full height and squared his shoulders. He looked her right in the eye, unable to glance at the men on his team to check their reactions. It seemed somehow more important for Carter to know the truth than Teal’c or Daniel.  “Yes, Major.  I am.”  

Her mouth closed firmly, lips pressed together in a thin, angry line. She stared at him, those baby blues turning steely. She laid her pen down and put both hands into her lap, sitting up straighter and squaring her shoulders. 

He could practically see the steam coming out her ears, but military bearing won out. She was keeping her feelings to herself, except for her eyes.  

Jack didn’t stop talking until he’d said it all, his gaze taking in the face of every person around the table in turn. “I’ve spent 40 years lying to myself; hiding what I was.  When that announcement was made, I finally had to face up to my orientation, and now I have the freedom to admit it to myself, as well as to everybody else.”  He raised his eyes to Carter’s and saw that she was staring down at her notepad again, her features perfectly schooled, her stiff body speaking volumes.  “I wanted those closest to me to also know the truth, because I owe you that.”  He looked at Teal’c.  “All of you.” 

The Jaffa gave him a slight smile and an almost imperceptible bow.   “The Jaffa do not share Tau’ri prejudice against same-sex relationships, O’Neil,” he intoned.   “Most of the alien societies we have discovered are also free of this fear.  It is a singularly Tau’ri behavior that I have never understood, and it bodes well for your people that you are finally beginning to allow it as acceptable behavior.” 

A great weight lifted from Jack’s heart with that declaration.   “Thank you, T,” he said quietly. 

Then Jack turned to face Daniel at last.  

The scholar was staring at a spot on the table.  His index finger was angled across his lips, his chin almost resting on his thumb in a thoughtful posture.  His heavy brows were tugged down a little in contemplation, but he remained silent. 

“Don’t you have anything to say, Daniel?” Jack prodded gently. 

After a moment, the younger man straightened and aimed a careful smile up at him.   “I’m proud of you, Jack,” he said evenly.   “I know it took a lot of guts for you to come to this decision.”   He stood up and reached out his right hand to Jack. 

He shook it mechanically.  Daniel’s hand was warm and dry.  His grip was firm and sincere, and as Jack looked into those azure eyes, he saw whatever reservations Daniel had been feeling slide slowly away.  His smile turned genuine, dimple and all, and Jack had to get a tighter grip on his heart.  

“You’re gonna do great things,” Daniel assured him warmly, “but remember, we need you here, too.   Will you be able to come back to us?” 

Jack’s heart squeezed up inside him.  He’d come back in a heartbeat for Daniel.  He’d tear up the transfer papers if Daniel asked, but he couldn’t tell his friend that, because Daniel was straight.  It was best that Jack get settled into being recognized as a gay soldier without Daniel around.  It would be better for both of them that way. 

“I’d like that,” Jack assured him, “but it won’t be up to me.” 

“Doctor Jackson, I’m putting in a request to have Colonel O’Neill select potential members of future SG teams from his roster, once their training is completed,” General Hammond stated. “Like Teal’c, I believe this integration is long overdue, and once the military gets the logistics worked out for managing gay and lesbian soldiers in the general population of our various branches, I look forward to having the Colonel back to manage his own teams under the aegis of the SGC.  I can’t guarantee this is where the Joint Chiefs will assign him, but my request is ready to be turned in with Colonel O’Neill’s transfer papers.”   He stood up, his eyes shining as they regarded Jack.   “And I have every confidence that they will prove themselves extremely valuable to our nation.  I wish you good luck, Colonel, and Godspeed.” 

“Thank you, sir.” Jack sat down.  He looked at Carter again, and she was still sitting in that unbending, full attention posture.  She felt betrayed; that much was obvious, and she had every right to those feelings.  He had been aware of her interest in him over the years and had done nothing to discourage it.  He should have, for no other reason than the regs that forbade fraternization with the people under his command, but he hadn’t, because it had been part of his cover, part of the way he had trained himself to maintain his façade of heterosexuality.  It had been dishonest, and his announcement today had hurt her deeply, even though she refused to show it. 

Carter would probably be the epitome of professionalism when it came to working with gays, because it would be required behavior under the new regs.  If she worked with him in the future, she would undoubtedly follow his orders without question and serve in whatever capacity required, but the emotional bond they had once shared as teammates was undoubtedly damaged now, maybe beyond repair.  He knew she wouldn’t be able to decide how she felt about him until after the dust had a chance to settle.   

Jack did care for her, far more than he should have.  He cared for every member of his team in such a way that he overstepped the military boundaries.  They were far more than team – they were family, pieces of his heart… and now he had probably lost one of them, simply because he’d admitted he was gay. 

He barely heard the General dismiss everyone.  It took him a few moments to assemble his papers and tuck everything into his briefing folder, and when he finished, he realized only Daniel was still sitting with him.   He risked a glance into his friend’s face and saw sadness there. 

“You could’ve told me, Jack,” he said quietly.   “It wouldn’t have affected our friendship.” 

Shaking his head, Jack returned, “No, I couldn’t have, not until the Joint Chiefs made it okay to be gay in the military.”  He sighed and stood up, walking away with Daniel at his side.   “I never really admitted it to myself until then, Daniel.   I mean, I figured it out when I was a kid, but that wasn’t something I could be, not and go to the Academy and be a jet jockey, so I did everything I could to convince myself otherwise.   Sometimes I even believed it was true, that I was straight, and women turned me on.” 

“I bought it,” Daniel admitted.   “I’d never have believed you were gay.  I almost laughed when you said you were, because I thought you were joking.  Until I saw your face.” 

“Yeah.  I wasn’t exactly tossing out a one-liner this time.” 

“Sometimes you’re kinda hard to take seriously,” he admitted.  “I don’t always know when you’re being Jack and when you’re being the Colonel.” 

They stepped into the elevator together, closed off from the rest of the base for a moment.   Jack pushed the button for 18 and clasped his hands behind his back, staring at the floor.   “I’ve never acted on my orientation.  I refused to believe my instincts at first, when I was still a teenager, and with the military career I had planned, I knew I could never be actively gay, so I did all the right things.  I dated women.  I fell in love with Sara and made a home with her, but after Charlie died, I knew I couldn’t maintain the marriage, so I let her go.  There’ve been a few women since then, but I always knew they weren’t what I really wanted.” 

“So now you have the chance to explore all that and find the relationship you were meant to have,” Daniel offered sympathetically.  “That’s great.” 

Jack didn’t take his eyes off the floor.  “I’m pretty sure I’ll never be with another guy, Daniel.  It’s just not in the cards for me.  Too many doubts and old hang-ups to get over.”   

“But Jack—“ 

The doors opened and there were people standing outside in the corridor, waiting to board.  Jack and Daniel got off, their private conversation quelled for the moment.  

Daniel put his hand on Jack’s shoulder as they walked.  “You gonna be okay?” 

Jack eyed him, touched by the concern he saw in Daniel’s face.  He felt the warmth of that hand on his shoulder, that hand he knew as well as his own, and ached to embrace the man, to tell him everything, but he couldn’t.  Not at the base.  Maybe not ever. 

“I think so,” Jack told him.  “Could you… maybe… come by my house after work today?  I’d like to talk to you about something else before I ship out.” 

“Sure thing.  What time?” 

“When are you getting off?”  Jack regretted the phrasing instantly, and felt his face heating up. “Uh, I mean—“ 

Daniel chuckled.   “I should be done around seven.  Want me to bring dinner?  Chinese, maybe?” 

“Nah.  I’ll cook.”  This was sounding more and more like a date.   Was it?  Had Jack been reading Daniel wrong all these years?  Was that interest gleaming in those gorgeous azure eyes, or was it just Daniel getting ready to explore new territory with his teammate? 

“I’ll see you around seven-thirty, then,” Daniel told him as he stepped away.  “I’m just gonna go check on Sam.  I’ll catch up with you later.” 

Jack nodded, watching Daniel turn and head down the corridor past his office, while Jack went to his own office to finish up his paperwork.  He and Hammond still had a lot of ground to cover over the next couple of days, a lot of details to be considered before he left for his new post.  He hoped to be able to return to the SGC at some point, but if fate led him in a different direction, he’d go without complaint.  He knew it was entirely possible that he’d get shipped to Iraq with the first gay battalions for some active duty, and he knew it was also likely that, wherever they were stationed, support would be slow to assist them and backup under fire might never come.  

They would be put into the field in places where others didn’t want to go, and left to themselves to find their own way home. They would be ostracized and bereft of support, and only after they had proven their mettle in battle, their readiness to help others and demonstrated their ability to depend strictly on themselves, only then would they begin to earn a grudging respect from the rest of the military machine and carve their own place into it. 

Jack was ready for that. He ached for it, and he knew the men and women under his new command wanted it, too. Part of him would miss being in the loop with the SGC, but if things worked well, he just might be back in a couple of years. He could hope for that, anyway. 

In the meantime, he and Daniel could email each other, phone when the opportunity came up, and that would be enough. And he hoped that, if he were able to return, his best friend would still be there, alive and well, and offering his friendship.  

That was the stuff of dreams for Jack O’Neill, the closest he believed he’d ever get to gay love. 

The fire in the grill was crackling and Jack returned to the kitchen to start setting out the various items to cook. No sooner had he opened the refrigerator than the doorbell rang. He checked his watch and saw that it was barely 1800 hours, too early for Daniel to be there. 

He’d make short work of whoever it was, because he didn’t want to still be cooking when Daniel arrived. 

He pulled open the front door with a scowl, which morphed abruptly into surprise as he looked into the face he had worn when he was 17.   “Holy shit,” he breathed.

For a moment, he was speechless, stunned and staring at his visitor.  It had been over a year since he’d seen that face, and more than once he’d regretted pushing the kid out of his life.  Still, he hadn’t felt guilty enough about it to make contact again.  He just figured that, if the other Jack O’Neill wanted to see him, the clone knew where he lived.

“I think we should talk,” the boy said flatly, nodding toward the interior of the house.  “In there, or out here?” 

“Didn’t expect to ever see you again,” Jack mused, closing the door as he stepped outside onto the porch.  He shoved his hands into the pockets of his jeans, turbulence instantly uncurling in his gut at the sight of his visitor.  “What’s up?” 

The clone turned to face him with a wry smile.  “You can’t pull that shit on me.”  The boy’s eyes were as old as his own, despite having no wrinkles in his face and no gray hair.  “You know damn well what’s up.” 

“Watch your mouth, Jack,” the older man snapped, his brows scrunching down in disapproval. 

“I go by Jonathan now,” said the clone, his chin tipping up in defiance, “and this is one of the few places I shouldn’t have to watch my mouth.”  

His expression grew serious.  “Look, I came to talk about that press release from the Joint Chiefs.  You know, about allowing certain people in the military?  I need to know some things here.  Like how the news has affected your life.”  His gaze was cool, threat-assessing, calculating, giving nothing away. 

Jack nodded.  He might be able to lie to anyone else on the planet, but not to this boy, who wasn’t really a boy at all.  “That’s fair, I guess.”  He glanced down at the concrete porch, considering how to say it, but then, this person already knew what he was.  What they both were.  If anyone understood, it was Jonathan O’Neill.  “I put in for a transfer to command one of the new gay units.  I’m shipping out in a couple days.” 

Jonathan wilted slightly with relief, running one hand over his face.  “So you came out?  Great. That’s good.”  He raised his eyes to Jack’s, eyes filled with admiration… and the faint glimmer of hope.  “Wow.  I’m impressed.  Didn’t think you had the balls for that, at your age.” 

“Yup.  Couple days ago to Hammond, when I put in for the transfer, and today to the rest of the team.” 

The boy’s face tensed up, looking like he’d just eaten something unpleasant.  “How’d that go?” 

“Carter was a casualty.  Everyone else was okay with it.”  Grief stirred at the mention of her name, but he swept it quickly back into the shadows of his soul.  He saw the same thing happen in his visitor’s face.  That was just… eerie.  That was what made him so uncomfortable around the kid: the feedback was intense. 

“Sorry, Jack.  I wasn’t sure…”  Jonathan shrugged, quickly composing his face into perfect military bearing, but his eyes told everything in his heart.   “I’m sorry you lost her.”  He straightened and eyed Jack, his brows dipped down, questioning.  “But you’ve still got Daniel and Teal’c in your corner, right?” 

“They both seem fine with it,” Jack told him, warmth flooding him, helping him to relax a little.   “But Daniel and I…   We’ve got some things I wanna get clear with him before I go.  He’s coming over for dinner later.”   

Jonathan cocked his head and grinned a little.  “Oh?”  That look was filled with innuendo. 

Reading the boy’s body language, Jack hurried to explain.  “It’s not that.  Daniel’s straight.  I just want him to know a few things.” 

“Okay.  I won’t ask.”  

Jack told him anyway.   “He needs to know I’ve never been with another man.  That I’ve been true to the regs.  That I was true to my wife.” 

“Except in your heart,” Jonathan corrected.   “I can still remember Tony’s smile, and Eddie’s body in the sunlight.”  He swore softly.  “That man had a helluva build, Jack.  I would’ve fucked him through a wall, if things had been different.”   

Jack crossed his arms over his chest and frowned.  “But they weren’t different then, and they’re not that different now.  Nothing’s really changing for me, except that I’m out.” 

Jonathan frowned back.  “Yeah, it is.  I’m you, remember?”   

Shaking his head, Jack grasped him lightly by the upper arm and leaned in, his voice low, heavy with emotion.  “No, you’re not me.  You used to be, but you’ve got a second chance here, Jon.  It’s a different world now; one where you don’t have to lie to yourself every day and pretend you’re something you’re not; one where young men in love don’t have to kill themselves or run away from home in shame just because they’re gay.”  He squeezed and leaned in close, jealous as hell and thrilled all at the same time, his heart wrenching for a few beats as the memories coursed through him, then easing as he stared into the boy’s eyes.  His own eyes.  “You’re free, O’Neill.  Enjoy that.” 

“So are you, old man,” the youth shot back, his voice gritty and tense.  “For the first time in your life, you can have what you want.  You can be who you were meant to be.  You can look at hot guys.  You can touch them.  You can love them.  It’ll be good for you, Jack, just like you never let yourself dream it would be.  Maybe better.” 

Jack let go of him, flinching back in denial, his words little more than a strained whisper now.  “No, I can’t.  It’s too late for me.  I’m stuck in this…”  His hands waved over his middle-aged body in frustration.  “Nobody’s gonna want this beat up piece of shit, and I don’t even remember how to date women, much less try it from scratch with a guy.” 

Jonathan’s eyes were assessing, raking him up and down.  “There’s somebody for you out there, Jack, but if you don’t wanna try, I understand.  I know you’ll be great in your new command.  And I know how lucky I am to be getting this life.”   He grinned, dimples cleaving his cheeks, his brown eyes gleaming with humor, only a slight shadow of past grief still clouding them, and that was fading quickly.  “I’m a straight-A student this time around.  My teachers think I’m a damned genius, for cryin’ out loud!  Thinking about becoming a scientist.” 

That sent Jack’s eyebrows on the rise.  “No shit?  What kind?  Rocket science?” 

“Archaeology, actually,” Jonathan replied, his head cocked.   “Guys like Daniel are way more valuable to the program than we are.  Soldiers are a dime a dozen, but imagine what we could accomplish if we had a guy with your soldiering skills and Daniel’s knowledge of history and languages.  Think of all the alien ass we could kick!” 

That made Jack grin.   Reaching out to tousle the boy’s hair, Jack found himself in a wrist lock, which he smoothly twisted out of, grabbed Jonathan’s forearm, pressed his elbow into a lock and pushed him down to one knee.  They laughed then, almost a perfect echo of each other, as Jack let him go and Jonathan swiveled gracefully to his feet.   

The sound of a dog barking nearby made both of them turn their heads toward the back yard. Jack was surprised to see a boy about Jonathan’s apparent age run into the side yard with a black and white Alaskan Husky at his heels.  He tossed a Frisbee and the dog shot out after it as they retreated out of sight into the back yard again.   

The other boy had long, dark blond hair and a pair of gold, wire-framed glasses perched on his nose.  He reminded Jack instantly of Daniel, or what he imagined Daniel might have looked like at that age.

“Hope you don’t mind,” said Jonathan.  “I asked my friend to wait in the back for us.” 

“Nah, it’s fine for him to be back there.” 

“That’s another reason I came by,” he added, nodding toward the side yard. “His name is Justin Fairchild, but we call him Zen, because… well, he’s pretty Zen about everything. Takes what comes and goes with the flow. He’s had a hard life, for somebody so young.”   

Pieces clicked in Jack’s mind, and he turned to make eye contact with his clone, his insides clenching. If Jonathan had been involved in a gay relationship previous to the press release, Jack was sure he’d have heard about it. He relaxed with a sigh. “Your boyfriend?” 

“Just a friend, for the moment,” Jonathan assured him gravely.  “We live in the same foster home, but it’s no secret he’s gay.  I wasn’t gonna do anything or let it go anywhere, because I know what it might have cost you, but then that announcement came out…”  He shook his head, his expression going wistful.  He looked to Jack for permission, his eyes pleading, hopeful.  “Is it okay, Jack?” 

Something warm and sweet clutched at Jack’s heart.  This younger, smaller version of Jack O’Neill had been living the same lie he had, in order to protect his older self.  Jonathan would have denied what might have been the love of his life, to keep from casting any suspicion on the original.  Jack admired him for that.  He wasn’t sure he’d have done the same, if he’d been given the same second chance at life. 

He smiled, some of the tension he always felt around the boy dissipating.  “It’s okay, Jonathan.  Follow your heart.   At least one of us will get a chance at a happy ending.” 

The clone beamed, his whole face lighting up.  “I so owe you for this, old man.  Wanna meet him?” 

“Did you tell him who I was?” 

“Uncle Jack, my namesake,” Jonathan answered coolly.  “I explained you were gone on missions so much you couldn’t adopt me.  I don’t think he understood, but he knows I’m okay with it.” 

They headed off the porch together.  “So you two haven’t… you know?” 

“No, and we won’t till he’s of age,” Jonathan assured him, with a disapproving glance.  “I kinda have a problem with that.  He’s sixteen, still a kid to me...  well, you know, the inside me.” 

“Well, you won’t exactly be robbing the cradle, you know.  You’re actually younger than he is.  You’ve had all of one birthday.” 

“The logistics of all that make my brain hurt, Jack.  I so don’t wanna think about it, okay?” Jonathan put his hand to his head and led the way across the driveway and around the side of the house. 

“Whose dog?” asked Jack, watching the animal run happy circles, ears erect and tongue hanging out. He saw that the dog had one blue eye and one brown. 

“Mine,” Jonathan told him as he waved to his friend.  “His name’s Thor.  You wouldn’t believe all the hoops I had to jump through at the foster home, just to get him.  I can’t wait till I turn 18. Again.”   

Jack patted the clone’s shoulder and gave him a squeeze.  “I’m proud of you,” he said quietly, looking out at the other boy running toward them, a big smile on his face.  “Thanks for keeping our secret.” 

“You’d have done the same for me, Jack,” said the youth.  

“I dunno, Jon.  We’re two different people.  I can’t say I’m that noble.” 

“Yeah, y’are, Jack.  Who would know better than me?” 

Jack settled his arm around the boy’s shoulder and waved to his friend as he ran toward them, the dog leading the way. 

 Jack had dinner finished when Daniel arrived.  The table was set with the regular dishes, though Jack had been tempted to use the good stuff.  This probably wasn’t a date, however, so he had to treat it like it was any other dinner with his friend.  He had to have no expectations here, in order not to be disappointed. 

Daniel had brought two bottles of wine – one red and one white – and fell into his usual routine of helping get the dinner on the table.  He seemed a little nervous, at a loss for words, rather than keeping up his usual chatter about work.  Jack watched him covertly, noticing how Daniel moved around him without touching him, dodging out of the way at the last moment to avoid accidental contact in the small confines of Jack’s kitchen.  His hope waning, Jack concentrated on the small tasks instead.

They finally sat down to the table together, baked potatoes stuffed to overflowing, steaks exactly right, and just enough salad on the side to balance everything out.  Jack cut off a few bites of steak, but before he could get started, Daniel finally spoke up, getting the real conversation started.

“Why’d you say you’d never be in a relationship with another man, Jack?”

Laying down his knife, Jack impaled a piece of meat on the tines of his fork and stared at it.

 “I figured that would be easy to understand,” he said slowly.  “I don’t generally let people get really close to me.  I’m certainly not gonna be dating any of my men, and my work doesn’t generally leave a whole lot of time to develop anything solid and real.”

“You could still date outside the military,” Daniel suggested helpfully.  “Have some fun.  Get your feet wet, so to speak.”

Jack had to smile at how delicate Daniel was being, choosing his words so carefully.  “I don’t usually do casual sex, Daniel,” he returned.  “Not unless there’s some kind of drugs or alien influence involved, anyway.  As far as gay sex is concerned, I have… trust issues.  I’m not gonna take it up the ass from just anybody, and I’m not in a big hurry to be the one on top, either.  There’s something… intimate about contemplating sex with another man that makes me want it to be more than just a one night stand.”

Daniel actually blushed.  “Um, Jack, I—I didn’t mean to pry.  I just—“

“It’s okay,” Jack assured him.  “You’re curious.  I get that.  And you probably never pictured me as anything but straight.” He hesitated.  “Surprise,” he added quietly, and gave his friend a tiny little smile.

“I’ll admit, I was taken aback by your announcement.  I started thinking about things, seeing you in a whole new way.”

“A good way, I hope.”  Jack dropped his gaze down to his plate.  “I’d like for us to still be friends.”

“Oh, of course!  That was never in question,” Daniel blurted.  “I’m not prejudiced against gay men or lesbian women.  Some of my best friends in college were gay.”

Jack pushed the meat around on his plate.  “Did they hit on you?”

“A little, but I wasn’t interested, so they left me alone after that.”  Daniel took a big quaff of wine.   “It just bothers me to hear you sound so fatalistic.  You don’t have to resign yourself to celibacy, like some kind of monk.  You should experience life as a gay man.  Date.  Have sex.  Safe sex, of course, but you should try it.  It concerns me that you’ve already cut out the possibility of ever finding love.

“It’s okay to go slowly.  Get to know someone a little; have sex when the time feels right.  You don’t have to rush things, but you don’t have to cut yourself off from everything, either.  Besides, there are other things besides penetrative sex that you can enjoy.  Work up to that, you know?”

“I’m not interested, Daniel,” Jack reiterated.  “If it happens, it happens, but I’m pretty used to self denial, and like I said, I have trust issues.  It can’t be just anyone.  It has to be someone I really care about.  Someone I know well.  Someone I trust.”

“What about Teal’c?”

Jack’s gaze flew up to meet Daniel’s earnest gaze.  He was trying to be helpful, and that pulled at Jack’s heart.  He cleared his throat.  “Uh, we’ve seen him in the showers, Daniel.  I doubt very much I’d be able to take all that.  Besides, Teal’c isn’t gay.”

“So?  He seemed pretty open to the idea.  Maybe he’d let you do him.”  Daniel picked up his wineglass and drained it, his face beet red when he set the glass down.  “And I can’t believe I just said that out loud.”

Jack chuckled.  “I think it’s safest not to ask the big guy.  He might not take too kindly to me suggesting he bend over so I can find out what it’s like to fuck a guy.”

Daniel’s eyes widened.  He reached for the wine bottle. 

“How about you?” Jack asked lightly.  “You wanna volunteer to be my first lay?”

The younger man couldn’t pour and drink the wine fast enough.  “Shit,” he said when he came up for air.  “Um, no, thanks.”

“Calm down, Daniel.  I was joking,” Jack teased lightly.  “I know you’re straight.”

Daniel’s reaction had told him everything.  The tiny glimmer of hope he’d nourished died quietly, and he forced himself to shove the first bite of steak into his mouth.  He couldn’t taste it at all, and concentrated instead on getting it chewed and swallowed.  It caught in his throat and went down in a huge, painful lump.

“You should at least try,” Daniel urged again, after downing a little food himself.  “I hate to think of you sentencing yourself to a life alone, without even trying to find someone to love.”

Jack shrugged listlessly.  “Been alone for almost ten years.  I’m used to it.”

Blue eyes regarded him fiercely.  “Not alone,” Daniel corrected.  “You’ve had us to care about you.”

A flash of Carter’s face at the briefing table flicked into his mind.  “Yeah, well, I think there’s one less in our dysfunctional little family after today.”

“Sam will come around, Jack.  Just give her some time.  Is it okay if I share some of what we’ve talked about in private with her?  I think it might help, especially if Sam knows you’ve never acted on your orientation.  I think that’d be important to her.”

“Sure.  I’ll be gone in a couple of days.  It doesn’t really matter, I guess.”

“You sound so defeated.” 

“Just being a realist.  I was prepared for all of you to turn your backs on me.” 

Daniel’s hand reached out and covered Jack’s.   

Jack looked at that warm, calloused hand covering his own for a moment, then raised his gaze to meet his friend’s. 

“You won’t lose me,” Daniel promised fervently.  “We’ve gone through too much to let anything come between us.” 

Jack’s heart pitched over in his chest, slamming hard against his ribs.  It felt bruised, torn loose from its place inside him.  How that promise hurt him, and Daniel would never know the extent of that sweet, hopeless pain. 

If Jack O’Neill were ever going to fall for another man, it would be this one.  He’d teetered on the brink of being in love with Daniel for years, and had always managed to hold back just enough to keep from plunging headlong into romantic, sexual fantasies.  Daniel was everything Jack wanted in a companion: smart, sensitive, caring.  He was also innocently sexy, and so gorgeous he made Jack’s eyes hurt to look at him for more than a few seconds at a time. 

Over the years, Jack had gotten good at building walls to keep people out, and from the beginning, he’d underestimated Daniel’s ability to get past them.  Whenever he thought he’d been successful at pushing the geek back, he’d turn around and find Daniel standing in the middle of his soul.  Daniel was part of him, and he supposed, after the adventures they’d shared – to hell and heaven and back again – that he was part of Daniel, too. 

Jack swallowed his heart down and patted Daniel’s hand affectionately.  “Thanks, big guy.  Right about now, I need all the friends I can get.” 

“I’ll always be here for you,” Daniel told him fervently.  “Always.” 

“I know.” Jack mustered a smile for him.  “You stayed with me even when you were dead.” 

Daniel blinked at him.  “I did?” 

Briefly, he retold the events in Ba’al’s prison, when Daniel had come to him to try to help him ascend.  When he finished, he noticed that Daniel’s complexion had lightened several shades. 

“Did you remember something?” he asked tentatively. 

“Not a memory, exactly.  Just a sensation.  I was afraid for you.” 

“I was afraid for me, too.” Jack pushed his plate back and laid his fork down in it.  “I came awfully damn close to spilling the beans.” He stared at his mostly uneaten dinner.  “Teal’c thinks you put the idea into his head to tip off the other System Lords to the location of Ba’al’s secret hideout.  I think he might be right.  It’s the sneaky sort of thing you’d do, to stay out of trouble with the glowy folk and still get the job done.” 

“I’m not sneaky,” Daniel argued vacantly, frowning and still trying to piece what Jack had described together in his mind.  “Am I?” 

Jack grinned.  “General Hammond calls it ‘thinking outside the box’ and says you excel at it.  You’re good at coming up with off-the-wall solutions, and you don’t always clue the rest of us in until we’re knee deep in Jaffa.”  He chuckled.  “So yeah, you’re a sneaky sumbitch when you know in advance you’re gonna be shot down, and that you’re right.  On the other hand, you’re just as good at pulling our bacon out of the frying pan when we need you most, so I suppose it balances out.” 

“I’m just getting things done,” said Daniel defensively.  “I know how the military machine works, and how to get around it when there are more important issues at stake than weapons and naquadah.” 

They continued discussing Daniel’s proclivity for stubborn insistence on having his way until they were both shouting and jabbing fingers at one another, rising from the table and carrying their argument and beverages into the living room.   

They talked over each other, neither one listening to what the other was saying, hands gesticulating wildly, until the exact same words spilled out of them in unison.  “You never listen!” 

For a moment, they just stared at each other.  Then the anger vaporized and grim reality settled into their minds.  They spoke again, in perfect synchronization, with exactly the same emotional inflection.  “I’m gonna miss you.” 

And then they hugged each other, just standing there together for a long time. 

At last, Daniel pulled away, his eyes filled with grief.  “Don’t let ‘em ship you off to Iraq,” he said quietly.  “You tell ‘em we need you here.” 

Jack swallowed hard.  “That’s not for me to say, Daniel.  They give the orders; we follow them.  That’s how it’s always worked in my world, and if they send me overseas, my troops and I will make our country proud.  That much I can promise you.” 

Daniel nodded.  “That much I already knew.”  He sighed and looked down at his feet, then around at the room, his gaze roaming over the now-bare mantel, taking in the absence of most of Jack’s personal items, which had been packed away and now waited in the garage to be taken to storage.  “What will you do with the house?” 

“I should have everything in storage before I ship out,” Jack answered, looking around fondly at the room.  “I’ve called a real estate agent who’s going to lease it out for me, until I have some feel for what’s gonna happen with my unit.  Once we finish training, if they ship us out somewhere else, I’ll put it on the market.  I should know something in three or four months.”  He looked at Daniel’s smile, at the grief etched into his face, and wished there were some way for him to come, too.   

“You wanna move in and look after the place for me?” he asked quietly.  “That bungalow of yours is too small for a guy with as much junk as you have.” 

“Antiques,” Daniel corrected, lifting one finger into the air to emphasize his point.  “Artifacts.  Not junk.”  He shook his head.  “I don’t think I could live here with you gone, Jack.  It’s gonna be hard enough, not seeing you at the base every day.” 

Jack gave him a sad smile.  “I’ll be a phone call or an email away.  For a few months, anyway.” 

Nodding, Daniel swallowed and turned away, walking toward the door with Jack in his wake.  “And sometimes I’ll be worlds away and wish I could talk to you.” 

“So write me real letters,” Jack suggested, patting his friend on the shoulder, “and I’ll do the same.” 

Daniel hesitated at the front door, obviously wanting to stay, but certain he should go.  “Need any help packing up?” 

“Nah, I got it covered.” 

They shook hands, hugged again, and Daniel promised to see him off when he boarded the plane at Peterson for his new assignment.  After that, Daniel left and Jack was alone.  Of all those he’d loved in his lifetime, Daniel Jackson was the one he would most regret leaving behind.  If there were any possible way to get himself a post at the SGC for his new unit, if God smiled on them and gave them the opportunity to return, then he’d be back in the Springs one day.   

That, however, was not up to him… but he was prepared to do whatever was necessary to make it happen.  Even if it meant going back to Iraq. 

16 Months Later
Somewhere in Afghanistan 

It was cold in the mountains, but Jack was used to it now.  He hated everything about the place-- the food, the weather, hearing the Afghani’s language spoken around him, but his troops were all the consolation he needed for the discomforts and inconvenience of being in a foreign land in combat readiness.  Holed up as they were in this village, so tiny it didn’t appear on any map, they’d been left to themselves for a good three weeks and were settling into a routine.

Jack knew that wasn’t a good thing.  It made their movements predictable, and while most of the activity in the war on terrorism was taking place in Iraq, Jack wasn’t sorry to be where he was.  The gay division under his command had been shipped there together and was spread out all over the country in small units that provided search and rescue capabilities for all the international troops stationed in the area.  His team had linguists in every unit, and they’d quickly become favorites of the non-American military because there was little trouble in communicating with these Americans.

Their own troops, however, tended to give them a wide berth. 

These rustic Afghanis had been open and accepting of them, too, but Jack was experienced enough with Middle Eastern people to know they were not always what they seemed.  He mistrusted everyone except his own people, and he decided it was time they broke the routine and moved to someplace else, even if it were out in the middle of nowhere.  Predictability made them easier targets, and he hadn’t lost a soldier yet – nor did he intend to, if it could be avoided.

Checking the load on his pistol, he slipped it back into its holster, strapped it down to his thigh and stepped out of his tent into the afternoon sunshine.  He pulled his sunglasses from his jacket pocket and put them on, glancing around the camp to scope out the scene.  His command unit was set up just on the edge of the village, and they’d commandeered a vacant adobe house – all two rooms of it -- to serve as his office and headquarters, complete with a privy out back.

For a moment, he just watched the comings and goings of his people and the natives among them.  He could sense their enemies out there, smiling at the American soldiers, bobbing their heads and making offers of local goods while secretly plotting against them.  He picked out the movements he knew by heart, the regular stream of people heading for the mess tent for their coffee and breakfast, and, rather than join them, he started off toward the barn where some of their supplies were being stored. 

Out of the corner of his eye, he saw a sudden movement and turned his head to locate the source.  A little girl crouched behind a stack of used Jeep tires, peeking out around them at him.  In her hands she clutched a scrap of cloth that he barely recognized. 

Two weeks earlier, he’d taken charge of a box of Beanie Babies that his 2IC, Major Tom Campisi, had ordered at his request.  Jack had handed the tiny stuffed animals out to those soldiers who regularly came in contact with the villagers, requesting that they pass them out judiciously to little children who seemed afraid of the American soldiers, as goodwill gifts. 

This particular little girl had been in the camp hospital after her uncle had brought her in with a fever.  Jack had personally stayed with her until she understood that the Americans were helping her to get well, and the next day Jack had ordered the toys.  He’d given her the first one himself: a little brown dog with floppy ears that reminded him of a dog he’d had as a boy.  The child was still a little shy around the other soldiers, but not with Jack.

He squatted down and smiled at her.  “Hello, Shahla.”

Glancing about for other soldiers, the child saw that no one else was around and stole out from behind the tires, running up to him and stopping just before she touched him.  She looked at the floppy dog in her grip, now dirtier brown from having been played with often.  Her eyes were huge and dark, and she looked very serious for a moment. 

His grin widened in delight, and she broke into a gap-toothed smile, giggling back at him. 

“Shahla!  There you are.”  A young Afghani man in long robes came out from beside the command hut, glancing nervously about him.  At his side was Lieutenant Joshua Fox, one of Jack’s primary translators.  Fox’s features were carefully schooled to maintain bearing, but his gray eyes were dancing as they approached.

He and Fox had struck up a warm friendship during their mission to Afghanistan, but it had gone no farther than that.  They had talked about home, friends, and family, but Jack refused to let an attraction take hold.  This man was off limits to him, as were all the others under his command, and he would let nothing interfere with his leadership role.

Jack reached out and picked up the child, seating her on his left arm while he braced it with his right.  Shahla put an arm around his shoulders and waved to her uncle as Jack strolled to meet them.

“Good morning, sir,” said Fox formally, his voice quiet as they arrived.  “We sent the little girl to find you, to give us an excuse to look for her.”  He glanced around the compound, as if making sure no one else was in earshot.  “Shadi told me something that I thought you should hear in person.”

“Something good, I hope,” Jack returned casually.  He could feel his insides tightening up, anticipating something that might not be so good.  Not for his people, anyway.

“Our presence here is having a positive effect on the villagers,” Fox told him.  “Shadi, here, has seen things he dared not dream, by watching us, and we’ve opened his eyes.”

”Let me guess,” said Jack.  “He’s gay, and he’s got the hots for one of our guys.”

“That’s part of it,” Fox agreed, nodding his head.  “You know gay men don’t fare well here, sir.  Penalties in this country are still pretty harsh where sex outside of accepted custom is concerned.”

This was something Jack knew from previous visits to the Middle East.  He’d seen some of those punishments carried out with his own eyes, against women who’d had the courage to love someone not chosen by their fathers or in an adulterous affair, as well as anyone who risked loving others of their own gender.  Gay folks lived deeply in the closet in that part of the world, risking their very lives when they chose to come out, or were discovered by accident.

“We can’t ship him to the States, Fox,” Jack told him flatly.

The young officer grinned.  “We can, if he gives us information of the right kind.  We could send him anywhere in the world he wanted to go.”

Jack cocked his head, his interest growing.  “What are we talkin’ about here, Lieutenant?”

“Think bigger than the ace of spades,” Fox told him, glancing around them again.  “Bigger than the whole deck, sir.”

The reference to the US military’s specially made decks of playing cards depicting the top people in the Iraqi Baath Party’s hierarchy made Jack’s mind go straight to the ace of spades – Saddam Hussein himself.  “Bigger than Saddam?” he queried, studying the young man’s face.

Fox was a country boy from Kansas, blonde and freckled, with intelligent gray eyes and a friendly smile.  He was solemn and by the book, taking his military career very seriously.  He was also kind-hearted to a fault, and on the naïve side, in Jack’s opinion.  For him to make that statement could either be youthful enthusiasm or dead-on fact.  Jack wasn’t sure which, but Fox’s excitement was becoming obvious.

Jack turned to Shadi.  The young man was as slender and pretty as his niece, his dark eyes full of fear and hunger.  Fairer than most of his people, his beard was straight and soft-looking.  He was very somber as he stared back at the American commander.

Switching to the Arabic he seldom spoke but understood quite well, Jack asked him, <“What do you have to tell me?”>

Shadi reached for his niece, and Jack handed her over to him carefully.  <“You will protect my family?”> asked the Afghani man.  He glanced at the little girl and hugged her close.  <“I must know they will be safe.”>

<“If what you offer is worth our protection, then, yes,”> Jack replied slowly.

Shadi grinned at him then, and for just an instant, Jack was smitten.  The young man was utterly beautiful when he smiled.  <“The one you seek.  I know where you will find him,”> he said confidently.

<“We seek many,”> Jack told him warily.

The young man whispered a name.

Jack stared at him, his mouth going dry.  His heart started pounding in his chest.  “Where?” he asked, his voice barely loud enough to hear.  <”Where?”> he asked again in Arabic, and listened intently to every word of Shadi’s answer.   When he’d finished talking, Jack’s first instinct was to shake his hand, but he didn’t.  This man, if his information were accurate, had just put himself on an exclusive hit list, and if Jack appeared to be doing anything other than giving back a lost child, anyone watching might realize what they’d been doing and act before his people could prevent it.

He turned his attention to the young officer.  “Fox, I want you to accompany Shadi back to his home, but don’t be obvious about it.  Walk with him part of the way, explain to him what’s going on, and then drop back a little, keeping him in sight.  Make sure you look like you’re on other business.  Shadow Shadi while he gathers his family in one place, and when he’s done with that, I’ll have enough troops stationed around the house to protect them.  We can’t make it look like they’re under guard until this intel is confirmed.  I’ll be checking that out myself.  Understood?”

“Why not just put him and his family under guard now?” asked Fox, his blond brows drawn down in confusion.

“Because if he’s right, and the target’s already been moved, he might be able to find us the next location,” Jack told him, thinking ahead, “only if he’s obviously under guard, the others’ll know he squealed.  Without the goods, we can’t really protect him.  If we score, he’ll have it made for the rest of his life, but not until then.  Got it?”

“Yes, sir.”

“Keep your radio on, and I’ll keep you apprised of any changes.  I’ll rell Major Campisi where you’re headed and have him get the support ready.”  Jack reached out and patted the little girl’s head, giving her a genuine smile.  “Bye, Shahla,” he said gently.

She waved at him as her uncle turned away, Lieutenant Fox at his side. 

Jack scanned the compound for Campisi, spotted him in the doorway of the command post, and walked briskly toward him, already planning the attack.  What he wanted was stowed away in the women’s quarters in a town not far away, where they often traded for supplies.  In a few hours, if all went well, he’d have earned his way back to Stargate Command, along with the respect and gratitude of an entire nation. 

Dutifully reporting the intel to headquarters after setting things in motion to protect Shadi and his family, Jack convinced his superiors that there wasn’t time to delay and move other troops in for the capture.  Jack’s men were the closest, and they were trained for just such missions.  They had to act right then, or possibly lose the chance forever.  It took some of the best negotiating he’d ever done, but he finally got the go-ahead, since it would have taken days to move in other specialty units for the extraction, and Jack and his unit could have it handled in hours.

This one, he argued, was too big to risk letting get away, regardless of the politics involved.  The gay troops would have to do this, or those in power would risk losing the biggest prize of all in America’s war on terror.  In the end, prudence won out, and though the Generals in command of the Afghani front were unhappy about who would receive the glory if the mission were accomplished, they wanted this terrorist badly enough not to really care who brought him into custody.

Other units would be quietly pulling up stakes and heading their way in support, but Jack’s hand-picked best quietly loaded up their gear and pretended to head off to the neighboring town for a regular supply run; this time, however, they weren’t planning on shopping in the market downtown.  The commodity they wanted was hidden in a private residence, one they had passed by many times, and Jack was already planning how best to go about the raid to capture Osama BinLaden, the mastermind behind 9/11.

 
Three Weeks Later
Bagram AFB, Afghanistan

Jack unzipped the suitcase on his bunk, wincing at the movement.  Every time the pain reminded him of his wound, he smiled, remembering how he’d gotten it.  BinLaden himself had shot him, high in the meat of his left shoulder, but they’d caught the bastard.  Jack had taken him down personally after being wounded, and once his men had the terrorist handcuffed and on his feet, they had taken great pleasure in videotaping the arrest, since the terrorist had been dressed in women’s clothing to mask his appearance.

The capture had made international news, as they had known it would.  By the time Jack’s unit had that quadrant of the city secured, they had been taking shots from loyal Jihad soldiers. They’d been prepared for that, and after a single day of holding their position, the rest of the nearest UN troops had arrived to drive off their attackers and celebrate the capture of the world’s most wanted man.

Only too happy to hand off his prisoner to his CO, Jack had gone to the nearest field hospital for treatment.  After a couple of days’ stay, during which he fielded calls from the President and each of the Joint Chiefs, Jack had been returned to his unit in the Afghani back country, his arm in a sling for a few days.  A couple of weeks after that, back on active duty and out of the sling, he’d been visited by two generals.  They had come to interview him and offer him and his men any assignment they wanted.  All he’d had to do was name it.   

That choice had been made without hesitation, and now that he was fully recovered, he was going home.  The unit had returned to Bagram two days ago, and Jack had been surprised by the warm welcome they’d gotten from their previously frosty comrades-in-arms.  Now they were all packing up again, getting ready to board a plane for Germany, where they’d rest and see the sights for another day or so, then fly back to Colorado Springs by way of New York City, where they’d be given special honors at the site of the Twin Towers memorial, which was still being built.

He was eager to go home, to see all his old friends, especially Daniel.

As if on cue, his cell phone rang.  The Caller ID made him smile.  Apparently, Daniel had heard the news already, though Jack had hoped to surprise his friend by just showing up on his doorstep once he was back in the Springs.  He sat down on the bed beside his suitcase.  “Hey, Daniel.  How’s tricks?” 

“Fine, fine,” Daniel’s voice answered in his ear.  “You ready to ship out yet?” 

“Nah, still packing.  I’ve got a little time yet.” Jack checked his watch, reassuring himself that his statement was true.  “What’s up?” 

Daniel cleared his throat.  “Well, I wanted to call and tell you how much I’m looking forward to having you back here.  You could’ve come home for your first leave, you know, instead of taking it in Germany.  I mean I know you needed to be close to your troops, but I’ve missed you.  We all have.” 

Apparently, Daniel still didn’t know Jack had been wounded during the capture, and he was in no hurry to enlighten his friend.  At this point, it would only cause needless anxiety.  After a pause, Jack asked quietly, “Carter, too?” 

There was a brief silence that spoke volumes.  “She’s still working through all this, Jack.” 

“I’ve been gone eighteen months,” he returned flatly.  “You and Teal’c have kept in touch, but I haven’t heard a word from her.  I think she’s made her position pretty clear.”  He sighed and leaned back on the regulation cot that had been his bed for the better part of a year.  “I’m okay with that, really.  I knew going in that there’d be problems.  I just hoped you three wouldn’t be casualties.  I guess two out of three’s not bad.” 

“I still think she’ll come around,” Daniel told him.  “Having you here will help that.  Once she starts seeing you again at the base, I’ll bet she falls right back into our usual repartee.”  He cleared his throat and fell silent for a moment, his hesitance telegraphing clearly through the phone.  “So have you found a boyfriend yet?”   

Jack cleared his throat.  Loneliness had been a constant companion during his latest tour of duty.   Not only had his men been isolated from and ostracized by other troops in the field, but Jack had also kept his distance from them socially.  He’d been available to them and looked after them properly, but when not being the Colonel, he’d kept strictly to himself.  That was how he’d wanted it; how he’d decided it was going to be from the beginning.  “I thought I made it clear the day I came out that wasn’t on the agenda.” 

A little chuckle sounded in his ear, sending a shiver of delight all through him.  He loved it when Daniel laughed, and those low, sly ones like that just did things to him.  Delicious things. 

“Well, I had to ask,” Daniel teased.  “Have you given any thought to where you’ll be staying, since you sold your house here in the Springs last summer?” 

Jack shrugged against the blankets, then realized Daniel couldn’t see the gesture through the phone.  “Figured I’d move into the base lockdown quarters for a couple weeks while I go looking for new digs.  I’m not too thrilled about apartments, but that might do till I have time to go house-hunting, I suppose.” 

“Or you could move in with me,” suggested Daniel brightly.   

“In that cracker-box bungalow?  You’ve gotta be kidding.  I’d have to go outside to change my mind.” 

“I’m not there anymore,” Daniel told him with a note of pride in his voice.  “That was temporary.  I decided it was time I had a house built just the way I wanted it, so I sketched out a plan, took it to an architect to engineer and design, and moved in last month.  I’ve got a guest suite with your name on it, if you’re interested.” 

“You built a house and didn’t tell me?” That irritated Jack a little.  House building was a guy thing, something he’d have thought Daniel would share all the details with him, ask his advice, share how the project was coming along.  It hurt a little that Daniel had taken such an important step and left Jack out of it completely. 

“I wanted it to be a surprise,” Daniel told him, a hint of mystery in his voice.  “You’ll know why when you see it, and I figured I could bore you to death with all the construction stories when you got here.  I didn’t wanna waste our precious few calls a year talking about my house, you know?  Can’t wait for you to see it!” 

Jack considered for a moment, his moment of pouting fading fast.  “You’re sure I won’t be… in the way?” 

“You opened your home to me when I didn’t have one, Jack.  I want to do the same for you.  Stay as long as you want.  Mi casa es su casa.” 

“You’ve really thought about this?”
 

Daniel chuckled into the phone again.  “I had your rooms designed especially for you -- wait’ll you see them!  So, yeah, I’m sure.” 

“No shit?”  That was a surprise.  Jack’s taste in decorating was average at best, where Daniel’s was highbrow and eclectic.  He’d even made that drab little gray bungalow look like a mini-museum. 

“No shit, Jack,” Daniel assured him, a smile in his voice.  “I’d love to have you here.  Take as long as you need to get settled and find a place of your own, even if it takes a year or two.  I want you to find the right place for you, not just any place that’ll do, okay?” 

Jack was certain this was one of the nicest human beings in the universe; most certainly the best friend he’d ever had.  With warmth filling him up and a smile tweaking up the corners of his mouth, he replied, “Well, then, give me directions, and I’ll come up as soon as I’ve got my men settled.  Might be a few days before I get there, though.  There are debriefings and ceremonies up the wazoo waiting for us when we get home.  I’ll call once were headed for the Springs, so you’ll know when we’re coming in, okay?”   

“How ‘bout if I pick you up at the airport?  You can call me when you get off the plane.” 

“I’ll be getting my unit organized at Peterson as soon as we collect our baggage.  They’ve been preparing our quarters and such for a couple of weeks now, but processing everyone’s gonna take some time, so I don’t know when I’ll be done.  I’ll get a car from the motor pool and drive in, okay?” 

“Suit yourself.  I guess I’m just eager to see you.  Got a pen and paper, or would you rather download the driving directions from the Internet?” 

“You know me and computers, Daniel.”  Jack rose and located those items, then wrote down the address and directions to Daniel’s new house from Peterson.  “Be there as soon as I can,” he promised.  “Thanks, buddy.” 

“Hey, nothing’s too good for the guy who caught—“ 

“It wasn’t just me,” Jack cut in with a wry grin.  “It was all of us.  My people got lucky.”  He chuckled softly, remembering Lieutenant Fox’s celebration with their Afghani friend.  It might have been little more than flirtation and kissing, but he’d seen enough to know sparks were flying between those two.  “In more ways than one.” 

“It earned you the posting of your choice,” Daniel added with a note of pride warming his voice.   “Congratulations, Jack.  And thanks.  Can’t wait till you’re irritating the hell outta me again.” 

“Aht!  Aht!”  Jack held up a finger to interrupt, eyebrows lifting.  The reaction was automatic, and even though Daniel couldn’t see him through the phone, he’d probably have a pretty clear mental image of it.   “That’s your job with me.  Nobody else does it quite like you do.  Not that I’ve missed you, or anything.  It’s actually been… kind of… peaceful here, without you around.”  He was smiling into the phone, certain Daniel recognized a tease when he heard one. 

There was that smutty, naughty chuckle again.  “Riiiiiiight,” Daniel drawled.  “See you soon, Jack.” 

“Yeah.  Depending on weather and how much cooperation we get, once we’re back home.” 

“How’s it been?”  Daniel’s voice was serious now, really wanting to know. 

Jack sighed.  “We deal.”  He smiled a little to himself.  “It’s been better, though, since we did what nobody else could do.” 

For a moment, there was silence.  Rather than being awkward, it was filled with warmth, blossoming inside Jack with a sense of peace.  Then Daniel said softly, “Proud of you, Jack.  Hurry home.”   

“I’ll do that,” he returned.  “See ya.” 

A soft click in his ear told him Daniel had hung up without saying good-bye.  He thought about that, and not once in all the years he’d known the other man had he heard Daniel tell say that word to him.  They’d always simply parted and gone about their lives, and Jack wondered if Daniel ever said goodbye to anyone.  He hadn’t had a chance to do that with his parents or his wife.  He hadn’t even said it to Jack when he was dying of radiation poisoning, when it would have been most appropriate. 

Maybe that was Daniel’s personal superstition, his way of heightening his chances of seeing those he loved again. 

Jack shook his head, aware that he was spending way too much time thinking about Daniel.  Truthfully, he’d missed his old friend.  He wasn’t sure how long he’d be crowding Daniel’s space, but Daniel’s offer had been generous and genuine, and Jack would appreciate a place to crash for a week or two, while he looked for a new home of his own.  He might never have the love he wanted, but he had friends who would fill up the empty spaces in his life just fine. 

Hurrying through packing up his gear, he headed out to meet the bus with the rest of his men, and in a few short hours was on the ground in Germany.  In a few more days they returned to newly re-commissioned Moore AFB at Fort Devens, Massachusetts, where the majority of his men went on to new assignments while his handpicked unit boarded another plane bound for the Big Apple, and a welcome home from a grateful nation.

Three Days Later
Peterson Air Force Base, Colorado Springs

It took much longer than it should have for transportation to meet them, and processing the new soldiers into the base systems dragged on as well.  Jack suspected the delays were driven by prejudice against the gay soldiers, but they were accustomed to that and waited patiently until quarters had been assigned.  He personally escorted his men to their new homes, and when the last group had been squared away, he called Daniel to confirm his friend was home, then headed for the motor pool to sign out a car at 2200 hours. 

Jack stowed his gear in the tru