STARS IN HIS EYES

by Lady Grey

1980 something

"You have stars in your eyes," I say, staring at the kid by the window.

"Wha-wha-what?" he asks nervously. "What?"

He can't be more than 16, skinny as a rail, all long hair and glasses. "Sorry," I apologize instantly. It's the family thing, kicking in again and embarrassing me at the most inopportune moment. I'd just gotten the impression when he turned and looked at me of the vastness of space dotted with the bright points of far distant suns, scattered at random all through
the Milky Way. My first reaction: the kid is cosmic. He's somebody important.

I pay attention to that sort of thing.

But this… uh… gift I have isn't something I discuss with total strangers.

"You waiting for your big brother? Is he gonna be my roommate?" I've been at the university a year already and hadn't been looking forward to getting used to a new roomie in the dorm. I move over to my desk and plunk down, pulling out my books to start studying. I plan to be a physicist some day, despite the fact that I got into college on a football scholarship.

"Uh, no," the kid says. He comes over to me and holds out his hand. "I'm Daniel Jackson. I'm your new roommate." He smiles shyly, hopeful that he'll be accepted.

The kid is gonna be so lost here. I shake his hand and smile. "How old are you?"

"I graduated early," he explains. Then this shadow falls over his face. His eyes are haunted.

I find I'm still holding his hand and that psychic thing goes on overload. I see pain in his past. Tragedy and fear. He lets go and turns away. "Family problems?" I ask.

He glances at me, shocked. "How'd you know?"

"That look," I say, dodging the real issue. "I've seen it before."

He sits down on the bed, relaxed now. Reassured. "Oh."

"Not me," I assure him. "My family is very supportive. But I've had friends…" I really don't want to talk about this. "My name's David Johnson. I'm a sophomore. Quarterback on the football team but I didn't want to be in the athletic dorm. I got a special dispensation because of my grades." Smiling with pride, I add, "I'm really smart."

"Really? As tall as you are, I'd have figured basketball."

We start talking. It's easy. He's a nice kid. I think we're going to be friends and I have that cosmic warning tugging at the back of my mind. I decide he'll need somebody to look after him while he travels the academic trail and choose to be the one to do that.

It's going to be an interesting three years.

We lie in our beds this last night, staring up at the ceiling and thinking. The years have flown by and Daniel is my best friend, despite the gap in our ages. I still see him as a kid – I mean, he's only 19 now – but he's going to be graduating in the same class I am, even though he started a year after I did. That's just amazing but then, so is he.

I was right about the cosmic importance of this kid. He's definitely going to be somebody great one day. I plan to keep in touch so I can watch it happen, even though I may not see him again for a while after graduation.

There's so much more going on here in this tiny dormitory room tonight. Things have happened, things I'd never have expected. Daniel is a singular kind of person, one who catches people unaware and sneaks up on their hearts with stealthy grace.

I've fallen in love with him. He's a guy. I'm a guy. That's never happened to me before and I'm scared. I've never seen him show any kind of attraction to anyone, male or female, so I don't have a clue what I'm getting into here. Still, I have to take the chance. He's worth it.

"Daniel."

"Yeah?"

I sit up in my bed and look over at him. Moonlight streams in between the crack in the curtains and illuminates the side of his face, but the rest of it's in shadow so there's no expression to read. "I have a confession to make."

He sits up. After a moment he gets out of bed, dressed in his pajamas buttoned all the way up to his neck, and comes over to sit beside me. He's sensitive about stuff like other people being in pain. "What is it, David? Are you okay?"

I look at him, his face outlined in silver now. There's no easy way to say it, so I just do. "I love you. I didn't mean for that to happen. It just did and I don't know what to do about it."

He's shocked, but he doesn't get up and plaster himself against the wall. He sits right where he is and thinks about it. Then he holds my hand. "I care about you, David," he tells me. "I think you're an amazing man and I'm grateful that you've been my friend."

Here it comes.

"But I'm not attracted to you. Not in that way."

My heart crumbles into dust. I nod and hang my head. "Okay. I wasn't sure."

He squeezes my hand a little. "Don't be ashamed, David," he tells me. "You'll find somebody who can feel that way about you. You're a great guy. There must be lots of other guys out there—"

My head comes up. "I don't want other guys, Daniel. I… I don't think I'm gay. I like girls. Women. It's… it's just you." I want to try to make him understand but I can't. I'm not sure I understand it myself. "Remember what I told you when I first saw you?"

"Something about stars in my eyes. What did you mean by that, anyway?"

I shrug. "It's that psychic thing." By now he knows all about the family predisposition to uncertain clairvoyance. "There's something very important in your future, Danny. Maybe it really is the stars, though I find that unlikely for an archaeologist." I smile but it hurts and I can see in his eyes that he's feeling my pain. Very empathetic, my Daniel Jackson. "Whatever the reason I saw that, I understood it to mean you were special on a grand scale. I still believe that."

He's embarrassed now. That sort of ego-enhancing talk just flusters him. He's so unused to compliments of any kind that he's defenseless against them.

I cover his hand on mine with my other hand and pat it reassuringly. He doesn't move away. "I'd like to keep in touch after we graduate but I think I just blew that, didn't I?"

"No." He shakes his head and smiles. "As long as I have an address where I can reach you, I promise I'll write. I might not be as easy to track down since I may be at digs all over the place, but I'll try to keep you posted where I am."

"I'd like that."

He pauses, his face suddenly serious, caring. "Are you gonna be okay, David?"

I swallow down my pride and pieces of my broken heart and give him a brave smile. "Yeah. I'll be fine, Danny. Don't worry about me."

I want so much just to lean over and kiss him but I can't. I watch him let me go and return to his bed. His eyes stay open and aimed at the ceiling for a long time, thinking. About me, no doubt.

I put my back to him and let the tears come, making sure he can't hear that I'm crying.

Present day

I stride down the corridor, certain of where I'm headed, my eyes on the colored tape line on the floor that will guide me where I need to go. Suddenly I turn into an open doorway with no idea why I've invaded someone's personal space here. I glance around the office, the walls lined with bookshelves, two desks covered with computers and papers, old artifacts everywhere. This is someone's office, and I have no right or reason to be here.

The SGC has been my posting for a month or so now. Training has been hard and mind-boggling but I feel like I've been preparing for this forever. I've attained the rank of major to go with my doctorate in physics and this assignment fulfills all my dreams. When they told me about it, I was a little surprised but believing, since I'd been seeing glimpses of it for years. Things made sense now that didn't before and I was ready to play my part. I knew Daniel was here somewhere because he was a legend at the SGC. Beginners get a brief history when they first come into the program, and everybody here knows who Daniel Jackson is, by name if not by sight.

I just wasn't ready for him to come through the door right behind me, nearly knocking me down.

I stumble and catch myself, turn with an apology on my lips and see this man squatting down to pick up the stack of books and papers he's dropped. He's muttering to himself, apologizing to me and never once looks up but I know instantly who he is.

The hair is different, short now. The glasses are still there and he's gotten big, really filled out and husky with muscle. I have no trouble recognizing him through that brief instant of contact.

"Daniel? Daniel Jackson?"

He looks up, startled. He stands and stares at me. "David Johnson?"

I smile.

He smiles back and suddenly his arms are around me and he's hugging me so hard he practically lifts me off my feet. When he lets go, his hands are still on my shoulders and he's grinning from ear to ear. "How long has it been? Twenty years?"

"Something like that. We suck at keeping in touch."

"Hey, I tried. When my letters were returned, I wrote to your mom. Those came back, too. What happened?"

I sober, remembering. "Daniel, she died about 15 years ago."

He hugs me again, briefly.

Decades disappear and old feelings resurface with bittersweet regret. I'm still in love with this man. Somehow I don't think I'll ever really get over that.

"I'm sorry, David."

That covers a lot of territory. The offer's still open but he's just rejected it again and I know it. So I just smile. "It's okay. It's been a long time." I squat down to help him pick up his stuff and carry some of it to the desk.

"You hungry? Let's go up to the commissary for a bite to eat and talk. Apparently we've got a lot of catching up to do."

I smile, my heart breaking all over again. "Sure. That's actually where I was headed anyway."

Minutes later, we're sitting at a table in the back corner, far enough away from everybody else that quiet conversation will not be overheard. He's across the table from me, his eyes on my face, and suddenly I remember. "Stars," I murmur. "Jeez, Danny, this is it! This is what I was seeing that first day we met. You were going to walk among the stars!"

He's smiling, already way ahead of me. "Yeah, I know. Wild, isn't it?"

"Was that your office I was in?" I ask.

"Yeah. You didn't know why you went in there, did you?"

"Apparently, looking for you. I mean, I knew you were here somewhere. You were the one who opened the ‘gate, for Pete's sake. Hell, you've been dead for the last year! Rumor has it that you've only been back for a couple of months, and isn't that a freaky little tale?"

He clears his throat nervously. "Uh, yeah. I still don't know much about that period of time." He pauses, looking uncomfortable. "I'd really rather not talk about it right now, David. Maybe later."

I'm just staring at him. I put my hand on his, feeling for… something. I get an impression of unbearable pain and bright light and let go, jerking my hand away.

Sweat beads up on my forehead and upper lip. "Jesus," I whisper. I didn't get it, not really, but I saw enough to understand that this man has not lived anything near a normal life.

He grimaces, attempting a smile, and asks pleasantly. "So how's your life been? I see you're a major now."

A little breathlessly, a little spooked, I nod. "Uh, yeah. I've just finished my training here and am waiting for a team assignment."

"Any… significant others in your life?"

He's being polite and I know it. I glance down at my left hand and the shiny gold band I still wear there. "I was married to a wonderful woman named Rebecca for a long time, Daniel. She died of ovarian cancer two years ago."

Pain dashes him. "Oh, David." His hands grip mine on the table. We're connecting.

It hurts me but I can't pull away. I need this from him. "There was never another man before or after you, Danny," I admit to him. "You were the only one I felt that way about. I loved my wife deeply but you were always there between us. She learned to live with that, though I never told her about you. About how I felt. She just knew there was a ghost in my past I never got over."

He nods, his eyes grown sadder still. "I'm sorry. I was married, too, David. Sha're died because of my damned reckless curiosity." He looks down at his untouched plate, flogging himself inside. "And for the first time in my life, I think I truly understand what you feel."

The light bulb goes on over my head. My heart shatters all over again. "Who is he?"

Daniel shakes his head. "Doesn't matter. Nothing's going to come of it." He looks up at me and smiles but it's an expression of pain. "Wouldn't it be great if we could decide who we were going to love and just turn it off if it didn't work out?"

There are tears in his eyes. He's hurting so much. I just want to hold him but not here. Not in this place.

That's when I feel it. Someone's watching us. I don't turn my head to make eye contact.

"Yeah, it would," I agree. "Twenty years have gone under the bridge, lots of life passing us by, and suddenly I'm 22 again and it's graduation eve. I guess the heart can't tell time, either." I'm rubbing the backs of his hands with my thumbs, trying to comfort him.

He's holding onto my hands in a death grip, he's in so much inner turmoil.

Eyes from across the room are burning a hole in me. He's watching us and hating me on sight. Because I'm holding Danny's hands and he's not.

"Tell him," I urge Daniel.

"I can't. He doesn't feel that way about me, David. He's straight." Daniel's brows twitched together. "I think I'm still straight but I'm not sure anymore. I mean, I'm not attracted to other men. Just him. I love him and there's nothing I can do about it."

I disentangle one hand from his and lift my fingers to touch his face. This is something I've wanted to do for decades and never tried before. There are witnesses by the dozens in this huge public room and I may well be flushing my military career down the toilet by doing this but I have to. It's not for me. It's for him.

His cheek is smooth and warm, just as I always dreamed it would be. He leans into my hand a little, starved for affection, and my heart melts. "I love you," I breathe. "I will always love you, Danny." I choke back tears, determined not to cry. "But you have to tell him how you feel. You have to tell him you belong to him, before it's too late. You’ll never know unless you take the chance."

I let my hand settle over his again, give him a fond squeeze, and sit back in my chair. Then I pick up my fork and dive into mashed potatoes that stick in my throat and nearly make me gag. For just a second longer I wait before looking up at the BDU shadow that has fallen over our table.

"Evening, Daniel," says a tall, stiff man with intense brown eyes. "Who's your friend?"

Daniel's face is the picture of agony as he looks up at the man. "This is David Johnson, my college roommate. David, Jack O'Neill."

I rise and am pleased that I'm two inches taller than the colonel. "Colonel," I respond politely and offer my hand. When he just stares coldly at me, I raise my hand to my brow in the traditional military gesture of respect.

"Major," he responds frostily and returns a snappy, irritated salute. "You two looked cozy over here."

Daniel clears his throat and picks up his own fork, toying with his macaroni and cheese. "Uh, just catching up. We were just talking about our wives. He's a widower, too."

That seems to startle the colonel a little. "Oh. My condolences, major. Mind if I join you?" He reaches for a chair.

"I mind, Jack," Daniel growls. "David and I have two decades to catch up on, here."

The colonel pushes the chair back under the table and tugs his BDU jacket a little. "Oh." He flexes a false, cold smile at me. "Well, have fun, kids. Daniel, I'll see you later." He pats his friend on the shoulder and departs, back to the table where he'd been sitting and staring at us.

"Ouch," I say quietly, once I've resumed my seat and the colonel's out of earshot. "He's scary."

"You have no idea," Daniel grouses.

"He's in love with you," I assure my friend.

Daniel's disbelieving eyes roll up to mine. "Get real, David. Jack doesn't have it in him."

My lips twitch as the picture presents itself. "He'd love to have it in you."

Shock explodes across Daniel’s attractive features. "David!" He glances around, as if afraid we might've been overheard. Then I see interest gleaming in his beautiful blue eyes. "Are you sure?"

"We could let him catch us and make him jealous," I offer with a sly grin.

Daniel sits up very straight. He thinks about it. Beginning to end. Then he looks at me. "I couldn't do that to Jack," he tells me softly, kindly. "Or to you. I know how much it would hurt you, David. So, no. Thank you for the offer but no. We'll have to work this out on our own."

I nod, expecting as much. I'd already seen it in his eyes. My moment of hope dies a quick and merciful death. "I think we've already done the trick anyway," I mourn. "Don't be surprised if he follows you home tonight and things happen."

A shy, beautiful smile dawns and my insides turn to mush looking at it. I cover his hand again. "You still have stars in your eyes, Danny," I tell him.

He looks up at me, his face full of dreams and hope and love… for another man.

We begin to talk quietly about our lives, filling in the blanks for each other, and when we part company, it's with a promise to meet again.

I make it a point to stop by his office the next day and he doesn't have to say a word. I know he's made the connection with his colonel and he's happy. I congratulate him and promise to get together again soon for more conversation.

But as I leave his office I'm assailed with another impression, one I wish I hadn't seen. I'm getting a team assignment and in a few days I'll be going on my first mission through the Stargate.

I won't be coming back.

FINIS

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